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Well, I'm leaving for California today. I'm going to stay with my dad and grandparents for Christmas because I haven't seen them since summer. My plane leaves at 6:35 p.m. so I'm going to have to be there by five. It will take about five hours to get there because I have a two hour lay-over in Los Vegas, but other than that everything should be smooth flying. As you undoubtably know, today is Christmas, and I actually got gifts for almost everyone, which is a first. The only bad thing is that they got gifts for me also, even though I told them not to. That annoyed me even more than having to wear two layers of clothing (I don't care if it's cold, too many clothes irritate me! scream ). I also got a card from my grandpa, and I hated myself after reading it. He told me that he was so proud of me and what a great man I was growing into... and I really wanted to stop living. I wanted to not have to think anymore, but I couldn't stop those feelings and even though they hurt I didn't allow myself to feel sadness. He is the closest person to me even though he lives in California and I live here... and yet he didn't know what a terrible person I was. He sends me money all the time, and I truly don't deserve any of it. I don't deserve his kindness or his generosity or even his love. If only I could be the person that he thinks I am. I want to have a reason for him to be proud of me. But there is nothing about me that deserves praise. I'm leaving soon so I have to say goodbye to my friends. Have a Merry Christmas.

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