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As I write this my head is in a spin and I am falling into a bottomless abyss of depression that I don't know whether or not I will ever escape from. And this time, my parents aren't my biggest problem. Sure, they ruined my three-day weekend and force me to stay at home too much which causes me to be depressed just by being there. But this time the biggest problem is myself. I've been causing people problems, I've been getting into other people's business, I ruined a friendship, possibly for good, I'm throwing away my future with my crappy grades, the girl I've fallen in love with deleted me from myspace and doesn't answer my texts, Katie has gone to lakeside again, and my best friend is thinking about running away and I might just have to go with her before I kill myself. I know I've said before that my friends are what keeps me from killing myself, but now I'm making things worse for my friends, so maybe it's best to stay away from everyone, whether it means running away or suicide. I just don't know what to do anymore. My life is falling apart. See, ok, first of all, some stuff happened in girl scouts which wasn't even a big deal and I misunderstood something someone said and caused a whole mess of s**t between people. And it wasn't even any of my business. Part of all this was that I also got mad at Cassy and kinda overreacted (I slapped her). I told her I wouldn't talk to her until she apologized, and now that I realize that it wasn't a big deal now she's ignoring me. Katy won't talk to her about it so I don't know what's gonna end up happening between us. I caused all this s**t when I should have just not worried about all of it. Plus I annoyed Katy for getting involved with girl scouts in the first place, and I tried to apologize to her for all the crap that I've caused and she didn't seem to care. That's probably why she won't try talking to Cassy... I guess I can't blame her, after all, I caused all of this. Meanwhile Hailie deleted me from myspace and won't talk to me. She answered one text today and when I tried to continue talking to her she didn't keep talking. I may just have to run away, and if that doesn't work, then suicide is the answer. I'm ruining my own life, and just can't handle the stress anymore...so yeah, I think over the next few days I'm going to write up a will in case I kill myself. I know it won't be official, but I will trust Ariel with it to carry it out. She's one of my only close friends that still cares. I think in the next blog I will post it. It's gonna be pretty straightfoward - just how to distribute my possessions, what to do with my myspace, gaia, and youtube pages - stuff like that. I wish I could have just died blowing up Parliament on November 5th before alot of this happened. It would have been before I was causing trouble and it would have been an epic way to die. -sigh- oh well I guess Kira made me to suffer... My next blog will contain a brief outline of my will and I'm gonna post some stuff I wrote in psychology about my thoughts on death. I also may get to writing some poetry before I die that I've been wanting to do for some time now. Well, goodbye whoever bothers to read these...


Btw the thing I said in the last blog about Katie. Um it never went through, and she was feeling better, although she still broke up with me and now she still loves me and all I can tell her is that she had a chance with me and blew it. So yeah, just thought I would clarify that with everyone.