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This is just venting. Don't read unless you want to hear it.



I'm a little tired of life. Not saying I'm going to kill myself, because I most certainly will not. I have see what that does to people. It's a ripple effect. Starts small and builds up. Besides, it's a permanent solution to a more than likely temporary problem. But enough of that.

I was raised by my grandparents. I lived with my parents but only at night. I feel like I'm not being clear on what I mean by this. Let's see how to put this, I lived in Orange, and went to school in Buena Park. Both of my parents had full time jobs so they couldn't be there for us. So everyday my dad would drive us to school in Buena Park and then he would go to work. After school we would go to my grandparents house in Buena Park. Sometime late at night both of my parents picked us all up. That's how it worked for four years. At the time I didn't really think much of it, but looking back I feel like I was abandoned at my time of need. Growing up is hard, especially if when you do see your parents, they were fighting or too tired to pay attention to me. Somehow I managed.

In fifth grade I found out that I was moving. I was crushed to say the least. I had finally made really good friends, or so I thought. Some stayed and others left. Like shells on the seashore. It was in fifth grade when I met my best friend. Up until the move I had lived in a two bedroom mobile home that belonged to my great grandma. I had to share a room with my brother and sister. I didn't like it, but I didn't really have a choice, did I?

I moved to another part of Orange, on the border of Villa Park. I hated that house. The only good thing about it was I found out how to get onto the roof in seventh grade. I loved to sit on the roof while listening to music and watching the stars shine. I thought I was happy. Just from me to you, I wasn't. I had a few friends but what I didn't know was they were fake. Unfortunately I found this out the hard way. Up until then I was really outgoing and bubbly. Rumors really do change people though. They weren't even true but people believed it.

Seventh grade. I started it off with no friends and a shattered spirit. My true friends had moved away or I had moved away from them. Woodshop kinda helped me get friends but they didn't last too long. Japanese class kinda helped. I met this really great guy who I am still friends with today. I fell through middle school and into high school. It's there where I met my true friends.

High school started many issues. I learned alot obout myself. Somethings I thought, "Oh, that will never happen to me." Well guess what, it did. Freshman year was okay, I guess. I was seriously depressed and unstable. At that point in my life, I really did think I wanted to die. It's there that I picked up cutting. It wasn't that I was planning on killing myself, that really truly wasn't the point. Just enough to fill the emptiness, where love and happiness should have been. Sophomore year was when things started to look up for me. Nothing terrible that I can remember. A few of my friends moved away so the year was definitely different. Oh and I had my fisrt major boyfriend, Danny. &3 He was amazing. My definition of perfect. I thought I 'loved' him. But like I thought, every rose has it's thorns. Danny was not ready for a steady relationship with one and only one person. I cut that off but decided that life and love were about second chances, so I took him back. My mistake. As the old saying goes, "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me." As a junior I watched my world crumble around me. My family was evicted, my grades plummeted, I grew apart from many of my friends. I still do feel distant but it's more of a physical distance. I moved to Huntington Beach with my grandparents. (Not the ones I lived with that I mentioned earlier. These are my mom's parents.) Life here isn't what I thought it would be. The way I'm beginning to look at it though is at least I have a roof over my head. I mean things can always get worse, right? I sure hope they don't.
This was also the year when yet another one of my friends gave up on themself and took their own life. It really hurts. I still cry thinking about them and the lives they could have lead. Nick. He could have done anything he wanted. He was brilliant. God I miss that boy. And Erin. You could light up a room with her smile. I don't think I had ever seen her angry. She was always so happy. Rest in peace Nick and Erin. You will be forever missed.

[UPDATED:
Near the end of eleventh grade things started looking up. For once in my life I can say I'm honestly happy. Things have settled down at home. Well homes, my parents separated sometime in February. I met this boy. <3 How cliche. razz Not saying everything is perfect. Just a little better.]

UPDATE #2:
Things with 'this boy' didn't really work out but what did I expect? I kinda like this girl but I'm not expecting anything.
I'm going to be applying to college soon and hopefully studying Electrical Engineering. Kinda ambitious for me and my grades. I am not the best student. :S

I'm pretty much done now. There's alot more I want to say, I just can't bring myself to say them. Thanks for caring. (And I'm not being sarcastic.) I love you all, Chelsea.