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I feel like writing one, just to find out if I can have a backup plan in case the stock market and literature don't work for me. Eh. I also feel like being a cynical d**k.

I was also gonna review Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time, but as I don't know how to spell most of the characters' names, I said ******** it.

Film: Shrek: Forever After
Rating: 4.6/10

Okay, so I’ve followed the Shrek franchise from the beginning. The first film was pretty good. The second film, with all its well-timed gags and the addition of new characters like the deliciously evil Fairy Godmother and the standout Puss in Boots, has a slot in my favorites. The third film was so forgettable, I can’t even remember ninety percent of the plot anymore. Thus, I walked into the theatre hoping for, if not a return to the glory of the second film, at least a satisfying conclusion, with some 3D eye candy as a bonus. For those who have not seen the various trailers and other teasers, here’s the film in a nutshell: Shrek decides that he wants to feel like an ogre again for just one day, so he makes a magical deal with Rumpelstiltskin. Of course, Rumpel screws him over, taking control of Far Far away while rendering Shrek a stranger to his friends and family. Now, Shrek has to find a way to fix things. (Major spoilers left out. I think. Eh, not like there’s much to spoil, really.)

Based on the film’s premise, the story occurs in one day, leaving absolutely no room for error. Unfortunately, the film does err on many levels. The conflict, ideally, should’ve been between Shrek and the tyrannical Rumpel. It ended up a battle between some old hags on brooms and a bunch of renegade ogres, which is kind of hard to give a damn about. I cannot even remember most of the new arrivals’ names anymore. This brings us to another serious problem, the lack of characterization. Everything suddenly just gets retconned, leaving not only the numerous additions to the cast but also the mainstays as practically new characters. Too many characters, too little time, not a single standout. The Pied Piper, with his cool, silent demeanor and his amazing hypnotic flute, had some serious badass potential, but it was shunted by his limited screen time. Then, after little more than an hour, cue predictable happy ending, which would’ve been alright if the journey there was a little more satisfying. The series’ humor was also sorely missed; though the part with Donkey singing many different classics was mildly amusing to a retro lover like me, and an overweight Puss doing those infamous kitty eyes did elicit some of my snorts, little else made me laugh or even smile. Note that pretty much anything that tries to can make me laugh, even some of the lamest jokes ever.

Sure, there are some who would argue that the film is more of a family film, for younger audiences, with its moral lesson of learning to appreciate what you have. Peachy. Yeah, it’s a family film, but it could at least have had a little more substance. It could’ve been better, but it was terribly lacking, poorly focused, and seemed rushed overall. In summing, Shrek: Forever After was better than the third, but still nothing exceptional. It may be (slightly) more enjoyable in 3-D, but that may be because it’s little more than an extended version of those 3-D amusements in theme parks instead of, you know, an actual film.