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“I know of two guys who are interested in you,” another cashier says to me first thing this morning. Did I mention it’s 7am?

“Oh really? I know of three. Just out of curiosity, who is it?” I ask.

“A guy in TLE (automotive) and an overnight stock guy,” she says.

“Oh, okay. I don’t know either of them.” That makes five.

“The guy in TLE told me you said hi to him once and he thinks you’re cute. Don’t tell him I told you. But don’t worry, I told him you have a girlfriend,” she says in passing. A customer approaches my line and I am forced to walk away from the conversation but my brain is now fully awake and ticking with questions.

‘How did she know?!’ ‘I haven’t told anyone! Well, except that one guy in foods. Maybe he told someone, and that person is telling everyone?’ My customer leaves, and I run to her before anyone else can spot me. I ask her how she knew…

“A guy in electronics told me.”

“How did he know?”

“I don’t know. But I saw your text message and he said that you have a girlfriend.”
I stare blankly. “Text message? What did it say?”

“It said ‘Sorry I didn’t get back to you last night. Is your girlfriend still mad at you?’”

“Oh, okay. I remember that. She was about to break up with him the night before and I wanted to see if everything was ok.”

We talk for a little while, and then this finally hits…

“You do know I’M the girl he’s dating.”

“Wait, what? I thought it was the other girl.” Duh! They both have the same name!

“No. It’s me. That’s how I saw the text message. I was over at his house.”

Oh! Okay! Now I feel stupid! I tell her, “The only reason I thought it was the other girl was because I can tell when a guy is head over heels for a girl. I saw him get excited and practically skipped over to her one day as soon as he saw her walk in.”

…. Probably NOT the best thing to tell a guy’s girlfriend…. But the jerk is hitting on me, and he just so happened to fail to mention this next part…

“Oh really? We’re still together, you know.”

“… I didn’t know that.”

I feel awkward, but she doesn’t seem bothered by it. We talk some more, and then I come up with this:

“Want to test him?”

“Oh my god! Would you really?!”

“Absolutely. I did that for another girl at my last job when she thought her boyfriend was a cheater.”

So we come up with a plan. I want to find out if he’s the one telling people I’m gay – which I know he is because I only told one guy and he’s not the type to talk. And she wants to know if he’d break up with her for me. If he would she doesn’t want to be with him. She wants to make sure that he’s not going to stay with her until ‘something better comes along’.

Lunch time.

I text him. “Hey, I heard a rumor at work that I’m gay. Have you heard that?”

“Oh no, I didn’t! That’s awful! Who would spread something like that about you?” Grammar fixed, of course.

Pig.

Liar.

Cheat.

I tell him that I’m not actually gay, but I’m bi. I also tell him that I’m in an open relationship with my girlfriend just to see how he reacts. He tells me that he thinks I’m pretty and he has a crush on me. He also says he wished he knew BEFORE asking the other cashier out because he would have asked me out instead. His girlfriend is sitting right next to me. We begin to man bash.

“Pig!”

He sends me 5 texts over the next hour. When his girlfriend goes on her last break she texts him and asks why he wasn’t responding to her texts. He said he was spending some time with his son, or family trouble, or whatever bullshit lame excuse he came up with.

Liar.

In my 5 texts he was asking things like… would my girlfriend be cool with a threesome. I told him that she doesn’t like men at all. He asked me if she would be ok if I kissed him. I can’t believe he was asking things like that when I know he has a girlfriend.

I forward these messages to his girlfriend.

In the end I tell him “You have a girlfriend. Don’t forget that.”

Cheat.

Just another day at your local friendly Walmart!