The question is these days when am I not worried? My mind is restless as I write this at 3 in the morning on the 11th of February. I laid down to go to sleep at 1, but haven't been sleepy once. I don't know if it is just my desire to read my book more until I get the urge to sleep or my desire to write down my thoughts.
I have my days where I dread going to work. I can't stand the idea of getting my own full chart yet. Merely because I feel like I'm going to end up doing it all myself and I will severely fall behind while doing it all. I also detest the repetitive humdrum of the day's work. Check them to see if they're dry, give showers to those who get them that day, get the rest of them up for dinner, feed or watch the floor, put certain ones to bed, and do one last round. There is no variety in the day much. Same residents... Most people don't like working at the hospitals because of the politics. I have yet to figure out what they mean on that, but I rather be working there. A nice variety and I don't feel like the people that come there are never getting out. That is the one thing that is depressing about long term care. And strictly lies in the title of the type of care. “Long term”...permanent, ever lasting until the day they die... I have some that say they hate it there and don't want to be there any longer, but trying to get them to put forth the effort to help them leave is a nearly impossible feat.
I'll probably not dread work as much if I watch the schedule to see who I work with each day. I can usually determine who I can team up with and conquer our end of the hall. I'll even explain that to the charge nurse too. Say to her that I want the chart next to “so and so” to work with. Once I get into a fast pace...it might not matter anymore, but even then I think I will still want to work in a team with someone. That away everything gets done on time like it is suppose to.
As far as my divorce goes...I've been getting a good laugh. He sends me a message on Facebook stating that he wants my address. I told him if he took the time to read my profile information then he would have it. The reply is what makes me laugh. He says that his lawyer cannot find me. Well...I have to say that he is an idiot, because the United States Postal Service has no trouble finding my mailbox. I mean...what is so hard about stuffing papers in an envelope and mailing it to the address. IF the address is incorrect they would still ship it to the correct one, because my name is on it. There has only been one time where it went to the wrong box. I haven't lied to him once on this matter. I told him it was going to happen if things didn't change...they didn't and look what happened...
I was talking to one of my co-workers one day and he had said he has seen my ex-husband's personality type before. I, of course, was curious on what he meant and he said that my ex was a follower. Expects someone else to lead him into what he should do. And my co-worker was right on the whole thing. I had to make most of the decisions. Granted a lot of them weren't good ideas, but at least I tried to think. You can even see that personality in his best friend. Doesn't want to let go of his parents and looks to them for everything. And he tells me I need to grow up and face reality. Guess who doesn't live with their parents and looks to someone else for help all the time on every big decision they could possibly have? Me... wanna know how? Try being told almost every day of your life that you have to learn something because your parents aren't always going to be there for you. Also having things held over your head when they give you something or they don't like a certain someone and how your behaving so they often say “You don't like it then you can leave whenever you want.” With that being drilled into your head every day you are rather reluctant on accepting help from people. Which is rather crippling now at work... I do wonder if I should ask for help, because I'm so afraid of being reprimanded for asking.
And...had I asked Matt if I could of moved in with him 4 to 6 years ago...I would have. I probably would have been less apprehensive about a lot of things. Not afraid of trying a lot of things.
Anyway....
Matt believes the reason he writes me so formally with “perfect” Grammar is so he seems improved and fantastic. He also believes that my ex's lawyer is trying to send me papers is a load of bull crap just so he can get attention from his friends on Facebook. That is starting to make more sense now. I have actually sat there and thought “Did he actually write this or did someone do it for him?”. You start to wonder that when you see every Grammar rule known to man broken and the crappiest spelling ever in his statuses. Although my latest thought on the matter is: “Now if he did do that himself...how long did it take him to manage it? Me...maybe a few seconds to write it that way then another minute to read over if I thought of something better to put.” I mean... Sophomore or Junior year we had to write an essay for a big exam. I wrote in 2 to 3 minutes time a 5 line paragraph that scored me a C on it, because I merely sat there and bid my time. I made a C in my first English class in college and I was barely trying on any of it. I could actually skip a paper or two, because I was that creative with my words. My senior English teacher told me I could be a writer or an editor if I wanted to. She read the prologue for “The Escapist” and said that very thing to me. Spelling wise...I was asked a few times to be in a spelling bee. I declined due to my fear of speaking in front of people. I amazed my speech professor in my first semester of college. She said I had such a way with words. A game of word play is nothing for me. You need to find a different game to play with that, because it is no challenge for me. Not trying to be cocky and arrogant on the matter. I just know my strengths. I have academic proof of it.
But enough of that...I do not intend to stay on that topic much longer. If it is not resolved on his end soon then I will end it quickly.
As far as living arrangements... apparently at the start of summer Matt's cousin is going to expand our closet bedroom. Basically it is going to be the size of a normal bedroom. Well what I consider normal. Hopefully by then all this exercise equipment that his mamaw decided to put in our would-be living room will be gone as well.
As far as his cousin's relationship with his girlfriend...I have no idea how long it will last. Because she is the extreme when it comes to girly girl and throws a big tantrum when he isn't home when he said he was going to be and always suspects the worst. She expects everything to be her way. I mean...last night he asked her if she would cook dinner and she said she wouldn't do it until he apologized and got her shoes from some unusual place (not sure where). Well he wouldn't do it...so I guess he ended up cooking it. They aren't very good at compromising and his son puts a lot of strain on the relationship as well. The child has no self-control and doesn't know the meaning of the phrase “No, you can't do that...” or the word “Behave”. He is very rude...he is just terrible and if I dared acted like him...my butt would be as red as a cherry. His son doesn't know the meaning of discipline. Matt's cousin isn't exactly perfect anyway. He has an awful past that I will not mention (another reason of why I'm looking forward to my own place). He is a major pervert. We watched this crappy a** movie that just seemed like a soft core porn flick and he said little comments about what he wanted in front of his girlfriend... She ended up smacking him in between the legs every so often for it. He didn't like that, but he deserved it. He couldn't keep certain comments like that in his head. Matt was like a saint next to him. He was bored out of his mind and thinking about his video game, Mana of Khemia. He hugged me tightly and reassured me as he always does that he isn't interested in that type of woman, because he knew I wasn't fond of the women in it.
His cousin is also very lazy...He had made a comment of if he got diabetes that he would sit at home and make $1000 a month last night. I wanted to smack him for it. I swear...you can't rely on your government for everything. I don't like hearing the words... “Well, you should go and sign up for this [insert government program's name].” It kills me. I can do very well without my government's so called “help”. From my experience and from what I seen it isn't worth it. You have to wait for it or it is a pain in the butt to get. I don't feel like making diddly squat just to get that stuff. I want to make big money. His cousin don't seem to understand that. Besides most of that money comes out of my damn paycheck anyway...so what is the point of it?
Anyway, been reading a lot lately. Things like the Harry Potter and the Twilight series again. A new one from Donita Paul and Ironside by Holly Black. Then just random ones. I'm looking forward to getting the sequel of Incarceron by Catherine Fisher. It is what I do when I don't feel playing video games or have Internet. Sucks that I don't but I plan on getting it soon.
I've only written a little on my stories. It is just hard to focus on it... trying to make things sound good. I guess if I really put focus into it...I could create something grand. Who knows...I'll worry about it when I get home.
Can't wait till I get paid Monday. It should be bigger than my last paycheck. I only got a $181 from it and $30 something was stolen out of my wallet. It is the last time I trust certain employees there. I can only trust the ones that weren't there that day.
When I get Internet again...I'll fill in any gaps of things that I missed. I have to wrap this up quick because Matt is getting restless. He wants to go across the street and play against his friend, Jason, in Magic. He hasn't done so in a long while.
aikou_ikirisu Community Member 
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