I had already pre-written something for when I got internet to explain what happened...but a lot of it isn't true anymore. Here it is....
"Where to start?" is something I often do at the beginning of these things...alas I've found that I just do it to figure out what I want to write first.
Well, first off I've decided not to get my CNA licensure. I can do the job well enough, but it is the way the nurses and some of the family members have treated that I cannot stand. I know this is something I have been pursuing for quite some time, but I have found the only way to find out what you want to do in life is by trial and error. so now I know I do not want to pursue a career in nursing. I'm switching my major back to Medical Lab Technology.
To put it plainly I quit Greystone. Saved my health and gave me more time to relax and think. I have put applications in any place that is not fast food, a call center, or a caregiver for the elderly. Limits where I can get a job, but I know it would be a waste of time to put an application into any of those places. Retail and daycare centers are good for me. ^_^ Matt has applied to a few call centers and knowing how he is...he does great at any job he does. Even as a nurse assistant he was better than me. Most likely will get the job and be able to keep it. If he does well enough to keep it, he'll be to pay off his loans, get us a new apartment, and maybe a newer vehicle. It would be great if he got his loans paid off because that would be one less worry on his shoulders. It would be great if we had the new place, because the one we picked would be close to a couple of work opportunities for me. Work part time...clean at home...do some crafts...learn new ones...walk and workout... It would be great. Here is for hoping...
Well...that is how it was a couple of months back...now it has all gone to hell. We were about to get an apartment and Matt figured out he couldn't afford it at last second...since I haven't been able to get a job. We ended up leaving Cash Hollow two weeks earlier than we planned and that is where it fell apart. Long story short we have been staying with a friend of his brother's and now we have to part ways. I don't know how long. But honest to God...I want to work on myself, be friends with him, and work on a possible future relationship beyond that. I love him more than anything. I always have.
I miss what we use to do. I miss the kissing...I miss the hugs...I miss the love... I miss the hope we had...I miss the cuddling at night...I miss his laughs...I miss everything about him. I will always love him...no matter what. For years before I may have said that I hated him, but it was all a lie. Now all I do is cry...because I regret not making the relationship about him too. I hope to hang out with him often though. He said he'll hold all my stuff for me until I get a place of my own. Hopefully through the Hope Haven I'll be able to get a job, get a place of my own, pay off what I owe Northeast, go back to school, work out my problems, and maybe just maybe I'll get a chance to be with him again...and hopefully this time on a more permanent basis. I don't know...maybe he'll realize that the only one for him is me...because I actually want to do things with him. Not like most of the women he has been out with...that only wanted him for sex, didn't believe in him, or just plain used him. I don't want to use him, I don't want him just for sex. I want him here in my life...so I can support him, love him, and show him that I'm not the same idiot....
God, I'm an idiot. I regret letting depression take over my life. I regret being over jealous. If I got another chance...I would be better. I promise I will.... Oh God... *sobs* That is all I have been doing all day...crying and crying and crying... I cuddled with one of his shirts that still smelled like him last night. I just want cuddle with him one last night before I can't for a very long time. Now that same shirt...I have been using to wipe my many, many tears with. Most of the time...I'm listening to "Probably Wouldn't Be This Way" by LeAnn Rimes. I listen to it over and over and over...while crying and trying to sing it. But I can barely manage a whisper. I wish everything was normal...so I could be happy as my dancing Starfy avatar. Normal being that Matt and I were together...not fighting as per usual...having fun with each other. I miss those days already and I wish I was able to capture more of them on here and in pictures.
Maybe...tonight I can cuddle with him one last time. I'll update on here as soon as I am capable of doing so.
aikou_ikirisu Community Member 
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