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OMG, it's been like a month! ;_; are ya'll okay without knowing what's going on in my life?! I missed ya'll, I feel like I actually have someone listening and right now I need to poor a shiz load of shiz out.
So I have a lot to say, but I feel like no one is listening, I haven't gotten to talk to anyone.
Today was my first day of my sophomore year and it was.....interesting I guess. I mean it's school and it wasn't what I really wanted my first day to be like. :L There are more Asians in our school, yay I guess xP
I met a girl named Florence and she's really nice she's an exchange student from China so I hope we become friends :].
A reason I wasn't have a good day was because of something that happened last night.
My dad being my dad started talking to me about my weight and I can't even really remember how it got so out of control and big but he said if I don't lose weight he will do something about it, he said he would starve me. He constantly says I've been here, I have been giving you the support and I'm like threatening to starve me?!
After ward I started getting ready again when he was talking to me and Diane and he brought it up again. He left and I was shaking. My brain was screaming out negative things, things his said, things that made me think. And I started hitting myself. I was punching my hand and then I started hitting my self in the face. Diane told me to stop and my dad came out again. He asked what I was doing and since I didn't want to talk to him anyway I said nothing and he asked what, I said punching my hand and he said whatever I'm doing he'll do it for me, he offered to hit me.
I tried to puke I was trying I was like I'll lose weight, I'll starve myself, I don't need him to do anything, but I couldn't do it, My body was stopping me from it, so I cried.
I eventually tried going to bed but I wouldn't fall asleep, I was dreaming of all these scenarios,where he'd came in kissed Diane and Ann Marie and would choke me, one where I was possessed and yelling at him, where I beat the crap out of him, one where I was like my cousin, I was switching between starving and binging and throwing it all up and no one even noticed, on one.
And all school day I saw people who were friends, I call friends and it made me sick. Do they think I'm fat? What do they think of me? I wanted to cry and go die I was miserable. I couldn't stop thinking of it at all.
Put the past behind you?.....
70% of abused children become abusive adults, and I don't want to be like my parents. I don't even know how to think of them anymore...
I actually don't feel very much better....Cya.