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This a 2 entry update. Check back for the first one.

So what have I been thinking lately?
Let's go back to yesterday morning. Every friday before Easter Sunday, my family from my other's side has a tradition. More exactly, my grandma has. I don't know the name in english but the best to describe it is a meat cake.
Now you might have eaten it in some coffee shop and thought it was ok, although it lacked some taste. But those are the factory ones. My grandmother, right in her house makes everything from scratch with high quality meat and flower from the village where she lived.
I'm not going to explain everything, but it takes about 7 hours to do 11 pounds and creating the dough is the hardest part. It takes alot of strenght from my grandmother to do it with her own hands.

But I love eating it. It's one of the best things I ate in my whole life and each year it feels like a slice of heaven to me. And she does enough to feed an whole army! ( Since she gives most of it to family members or people she likes ).

Anyways, this was the first year I helped my grandmother. I took care of cracking 60 eggs and slicing alot of meat.

I decided to spent the whole day with my grandmother. It's something I haven't done in a long time. A few years back, I hated my grandmother. She was always annoying me and sounded senile alot of times.
Now, it's almost still the same. But something changed. I don't hate her anymore. Even if she keeps annoying me, I actually like being with her. Maybe it's because I grew up and saw that she cared for me. Maybe my annoyance level limit upgraded...maybe, I liked her all along and didn't admit it.

So once the whole family was gone and we ate dinner together, we spent a good whole time talking about our past. Her neighbourhood is a good place, i said that to her. Everywhere I look at, I can recall one good memory in my yougnster life. Wether if it was playing with a kid that I hardly see anymore during the whole afternoon for a good majority of months, or going to drink a caffe late with my late grandfather.

Looking back at everything...it's nostalgic...but it's sad. I regained memories only to see that I lost a great deal of me. Every memory that I have of that place are with people that I ended up loosing. My school colleagues...my neighbours...my grandfather...although some changed and I never talk to them or most just dissapeared...at that time, I loved all of them.
I never noticed untill yesterday, but since the fifth grade, I lost the feeling of friendship and love. Loosing all my friends from one day to another hit me so hard that although I still lived like a normal person and never seemed to have trouble, I was withering away inside. The only person that stopped me from loosing my sense of love was my grandfather and the only person that stopped me from loosing my sense of friendship was my best friend David. And they both died, almost at the same time.
That day I died inside so much that untill now, I'm still not able to cry for David. And my grandfather, the day he died, I could feel my heart being stabbed even though I didn't know he was dead at the moment. And when I cried, I did it briefly. Then, I only cried for him once more and never again.

Crying is something my heart can't do now.

From all of that, I shielded myself from everyone. I didn't want friendships, I rejected true love...or maybe I thought I was rejecting them when they never existed.

When I finished High School, it took me the whole vacations to suddenly "reborn". How? I forgot. I was forgetful before that but ever since I decided to forget people and the bonds, however small I had with them, I started forgetting alot of my life. Why? Because when I was a small kid, I had people to love and then they dissapeared. After High School, there were people that could remind me of friendship and one person that perhaps could have given me true love. But they all were going away, and I couldn't stand loosing them like that. So I decided to forget instead of knowing and loosing.

So the years went by and I grew up, in a way my mental strenght could handle alot of bad situations. So I never went into a depression because of that and little by little I began remembering my past life. Yesterday was my peak of it. And although I'm sad, I'm living my life with hope and happyness.

Maybe I don't have a friend that sticks with me everytime I need help...but I always try to help people whenever they need.

Maybe I don't have someone to love and be loved back...but I live my life anyways, and I don't hate it.

I'm too passionate. With normal people, I don't feel bad if I hurt them...but with people I care for, if anything bad happens between us, I feel so bad that I end up hurting them more by turning into a cold person so I can temporarily hide my feelings.
It's running, but I end up confronting the problem sooner or later. But it's too late.
Most people think I become cold because I don't care...I become cold because I care and I feel afraid.

Bit by bit I regain friendship with my high school coleagues. And even though that person whom I did my best to show her I loved her, I ended up realizing that she wasn't prepared or interested, or maybe she's just too dense to realize it. Still, I like making her feel better and if she can't be there for me, then atleast I'll be there for her.

I just some people to know. I'm not passionate in the way I'm good with words and actions so I always get it right.
I'm passionate inside my heart, not in my words or actions. I might have a hard time showing that I am, but I know it. And if someone ever realizes that, then maybe she'll be the person that will finnaly fill the gaps in my life.

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