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I am quite a messed up person right now. sweatdrop
I am lost. I don't really know how to live a life right now, and it's not because I've don't 'have a life', because I've had plenty experience with pain and suffering, the side effects of life not being fair. About a year ago, I gave up. I realized that since, in my belief, the world and the people I exist with were not created with a purpose or a point, or that an intelligence of some kind made a decision to create this existence we share... that there is no purpose, there is no point to life at all.
It's quite a depressing belief, and even though I simply don't have the mindset to attempt suicide, I basically stopped living all together.
I stopped going to classes at Uni, I stopped hanging out with friends, I even stopped making things, which is the one thing in life guaranteed to give me satisfaction. I didn't see any point in my existence, and as a result I stopped giving it a purpose. Which is, in fact, the only real purpose our lives have, the one we give to ourselves.
I felt trapped into a pointless existence because I knew what ending it would mean. I knew that if I killed my self, took away my existence, that I would fracture the heart and mind of everyone that cared for me. Grief is not something you can ever really get rid of, especially when you are grieving for someone you lost for no good reason. I know that if I killed myself that everyone who cared for me would blame themselves, even though it would not have been their fault, even though they could have done nothing to spare me. Knowing all of this means that in killing myself, I would be intentionally hurting the people I cared for, and even though I could not see a point in my existence, my love for them meant I could not feel the same about them.
I really am very glad that I have such a loving family, without them I would be dead by now, because even though I didn't meet any friends that really cared about me until my most resent years... I never gave into the urge to give up. I never took action on my belief that I was pointless. And I never will.
At times ,though, knowing that my family would be damaged by my suicide was not enough to turn my mind, so I am thankful that by the time I got really bad I had already met the two girls that got me through high school alive. And although we are no longer friends, because of extenuating circumstances, I owe them a lot.
It seems that I am one of the luckiest people in this world, because even though as I've gotten older my depression has gotten nastier and harder to fight, I have also been given more to live for, more people to deter me from the worst mistake of my life. Now I have so many wonderful people in my life that suicide is not an option. It would mean the destruction of my soul, to hurt the people I love.
So unless I loose my empathy, I will never be able to give up completely.
On the other hand, staying alive solely for others, while admirable, is no way to be alive. So I became a lump. A mound of flesh that existed, but did not live.
Now I am more, but only slightly, because I want to live, but I don't know how anymore. I am stuck in lump-mode and right now it seems to be my first nature, to laze about doing relatively nothing. I don't like that about me. I want to make things and do things and I want to be a part of this world we exist in. I want to be somebody.
confused But how exactly does a lump turn into a person? It isn't like a fairy godmother is going to pop out of nowhere and de-Pinocchio me. -sigh- Like I said, I am lost.
 AlaceInPlunderland · Sat Apr 27, 2013 @ 02:05am · 0 Comments |
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