19th October
Vivian has been found. She seems fine, and everyone is babying her a bit, by the looks of things. I guess even though they pretended it didn't affect them, they must have been worried too.
I missed Naomis 'picnic' on Friday, because I was reading one of the history of magic textbooks at the back of the library and got rather carried away. By the time I got out of the library it was already curfew, so I figured I'd missed it.
Naomi hasn't confronted me about it- she probably doesn't care either way.
Its good to see she is doing the right thing as house representative, though.
I saw Muna in the studyhall the other day. He's lost his wand to a demon, and so he's trying to channel through a marble, I think. Also he has some book that sucks people into it. I prefer non-magical books, to be honest- where the only surprise is a good set of quiz questions at the end of a chapter.
Or sometimes a plot twist, in detective novels. Its a bit embarrassing to like any sort of fiction, but mystery novels are usually so well researched! It makes me happy to find out the authors properly understood their topic before weaving a story.
He said it was an accident. Shanta said it was his idea. Bijan told me he tried to stop them but apparently he actually let them do it because he thought it wouldn't work.
Still, nobody has told me WHY they bothered.
It was a physical comfort demon. To give hugs. When asked if they couldn't just hug each other, no answer was supplied.
Theres definitely something that doesn't add up.
But they're all lying, in one way or another. I don't know Shanta well enough to actually be able to tell, but I just feel like they must be. And I still haven't met 'END', though I checked the enrollment records and he is definitely a real student.
Why would you try to summon a demon for kicks? They're smarter than that...surely....hopefully. Nobody admitted to being an adrenalin junkie of any sort, which means they had other motives.
I've had a fight with them now, I think.
Nina asked me if I wanted to get married and I said yes, but then I got all confused and nervous because thats not what I meant- I meant one day, I'll get married.
Just not to her, probably. But she is very cute- I told her that. Cuteness seems strange and much more common up here than in the undercity- I think its accentuated by the lack of hair. Vivian asked for a compliment too but... Idk.
Nina is cute, theres no doubt about it. Everything she owns and wears reminds me of baby animals and is cute.
Vivian is... the closest thing to what I want to say is probably 'handsome' though I'm not sure if thats right. Her hair is healthy, her eyes are striking. She's fairly average, body wise, and same for clothing. I would like to see her hair tied up, or back. Its probably from working in the smithy, but I get paranoid about long hair being pulled into things.
Ella is...
Well, Ella wasn't even there, so I thankfully didn't have to tell her anything.
I think I got into a fight with Shanta, and then Muna.
They both seem to think its perfectly normal to go marauding around inside magical books, or caverns, or in the forest with dragons and cult members, or to waltz with something that sucks your soul out.
I mean, Gage, Nina and Vivian seemed to think it was a non-issue as well, but they didn't get defensive. They just stopped talking. If someone is not open to conversation about a topic, they're obviously not going to be convinced, so I didn't bother directing many remarks towards them.
Muna seemed to say, in no uncertain terms, that I should either come with them or shut up about it and go do my own thing.
I couldn't go with them. I'd cause more danger than I'd help.
I don't want to witness my friends souls being sucked out.
I don't want that feeling of helplessness when someones arm is blown off.
I know next to nothing about magical adventures, and I don't have this obscene sense of confidence that the other firstyears seem to have.
When you give a bunch of 8 year olds access to molten metal and dynamite, you see a lot of accidents. Its normal, right? Its part of why we're so good at mechanics, why dwarves end up being thought of as master crafters or efficient miners. The inattentive, the dumb, those who take risks, well, they usually don't make it. I know that I could have a rockfall on me, just as much as the next guy pulling ore from the cave wall. In fact, I'm probably overdue for something like that, seeing as I wasn't always attentive, smart, or calculating, yet somehow I scraped through.
Karma is going to catch up to me.
I'm not invincible.
And neither are they!
Its a terrible thing, to admit you'd be useless in a fight, or in a crisis. But I would be.
When the heat jet from that half-locked furnace door blew Goldsmith twins into what was essentially one person, I was there, but I didn't see it coming and I couldn't do anything.
When Rigidae and her moledog fell down that shaft, I was right behind them. I saw them whisk out of sight, felt the flick from her ponytail as before she plummeted. It could have been me. They never even found the bodies.
It just seems to be common sense to not get into any more danger than the everyday already presents us with.
But.... to be honest, I feel very left out. Lonely, I guess.
Even when tragedies happen, we had each other. Its part of being a community.
Here... I get thanked for caring, as if its some sort of precious trait.
I'm not part of the common experiences they're off having. I'm not part of the team, or the circle of friends. I'm always hearing about it through word-of-mouth, and asking them about it later. They've decided these dangerous adventures are something they collectively enjoy doing, and I'm not there.
But... I /do/ want to be involved.
With them.
Like, a games night, or cards, or hanging out in the library.
Anything like that.
But.... even when they do things like that, I mean, even at the Italian night, there were things going on I didn't understand. They'd all hung out previously, and I wasn't around. I felt like I was just tagging along, or a novelty, really. It was nice, don't get me wrong, but I didn't exactly feel connected.
Muna told me I should focus on myself.
Essentially stop worrying, stop caring whether they're okay.
I guess it would be less stressful that way.
Maybe thats what mum did. Maybe thats how she lives with herself.
I didn't understand how someone could not care before, but maybe I do now- since caring about stuff is pretty painful, when you're essentially alone and helpless to stop what is going on.
I feel all conflicted and confused, and like my social life is slowly gurgling away down the drain. I could try to stop it, but the drain is full of razorblades, so I really shouldn't shove my hand down there. Or, I could put in the plug. Not see the sharp painful place, and forget the social life liquid was ever there.
Ugh, but I'm thirsty.
My analogy might assume there is a tap though, wherein new options for non-dangerous friends might appear. Probably next year, if we get new students.
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