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I was standing outside, waiting for my family to return from buying groceries so I could help them bring it up stairs, when I realized that I wasn't standing there. The sky was an azure blue, beautiful and radiant with the breeze a sweet touch to the wonderful nature around me... But I wasn't there.

I was with her. I was in her apartment again, watching the ceiling fan rotate after spending hours reading computer text. I was there, laying in the grass as the sun was dying in the distance so I could enjoy the last warm breeze before the cold night took over. I was there, a happy boy eagerly awaiting the return of the woman of his dreams...

I snapped back once a car drove by and in the first time in almost a decade... did that old thought come back to me:

"I don't want to live anymore."

It came bitter sweet, the refuge from the pain and sorrow that I've put myself and everyone around me through... The thoughts of just sleeping and leaving this all behind almost thrilled me to move my feet... Till the next car came and drove past me.

I was there again. Walking in the fading sun once more, yet her hand was in mine. We past the future together, picking out which one we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together in. My eyes looked into hers and only saw the desire to be with me...

I rubbed my eyes and my twin questioned if I was fine... If I was fine. And with a small effort, gave a smile to reassure him I was just so. Though deep down, everything was and still is falling apart. My dreams don't spare me the chances to remind me of my mistakes with everyone. My morning bitterly force me to recall each night we'd spend awake together...

I'm slowly losing myself. Each turn and each emotion I feel is just another step towards finally losing myself in all this pain and depression. When I finally feel that I have a grip on it... I see you again. When I finally feel over you... I feel your emotions; your happiness, your worry, your EVERYTHING!

And the worst part is... That I know you're happy. That I know you don't give a damn about me and how every single thing reminds me of you, snapping each part of my mental reserve more and more... And that is the final thing I think of as I try and not cry another night...