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The hardest times to sleep are when I dream of another meeting of us. When we could finally see each other as adults in person rather kids talking behind screens. Instead of controlling what we'd say, say what is truly meant for the other to listen to.

And each time I come off as an angry child... So pissed and filled with vigor that you mistaken me for revenge... Rather it's just the pain of losing you over and over again in my life that hurts the most. It's the conversations you've always had with everyone else about US that slices away at me. Where you'd go to every doctor and psychologist, gathering friendly opinions of what you need to do and what I've done wrong, before finally coming back around to explode in righteous anger. You've bought their wares over your own beliefs, always giving me the shortest denotation to defuse...

Though I doubt these words would ever reach your eyes, they bring me some sort of comfort to write out instead of yelling to myself each night as I fight back tears... I never tried to sell you love. I never tried to sell you that I was any better of a person than anyone else. I've always came to you complete of who I was and am. Whenever a problem came, I came to you about it. Whenever something occurred, you were the first to know of it because I wanted you to know that you were my support and my greatest ally.

"You've lied and hurt so many, why should I believe you that you wouldn't to me? Especially since you've already done it so many times before?

Because my dear (See? Conversations with myself in a slow degradation of my character...), I make mistakes. You make mistakes. WE ALL MAKE MISTAKES. Yes, I've made a lot of them, but so have you. Yet, I've never crucified you for the errors of your life. What mistakes? There are many but I don't need to go into them. Not because I feel that they are wrong, but because I've accepted them as parts of you. I've learned to forgive you and gain the strength to forget the things you've done to hurt me all because I've always loved you with all of my heart.

You, however, have always doubted and worried about me. Never sure about the future because it was a rocky bridge, I'd admit, but one we could have traveled and braved together. You never forgave me for the things I've done to you and everyone else. You've never trusted me after I've lost it so many years ago. You've never looked at me as if I could be your husband... You sold me the beautiful lie that we could be together.

Despite all that, I'm such a fool... because I still want to work things out and still want to be with you in the end. If you felt anything from reading these words, I urge you to contact me. Why wait another several years to say the words you can say now? Why waste more time away when... When this could be all over with a few apologizes...

Or maybe you truly are over me and I'm just trying to sell it to myself that you still dream about me...

PS: I know you didn't write that email. I've known you too long to buy that you wrote those words. If you truly want me over you, you can tell me with your own voice that you don't want me ever around again.