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Let me just start this by saying that I'm really ******** struggling with what I'm about to write. Struggling more than I want anyone to know that I am...

Sighs

There you are again. Close my eyes, breath the air that brings that sweet Spring smell, watch the never-ending blue skies that I devoted to you, and now there might be that one chance that you've seen my Skype messages... Each time I think I've got a handle on what happened... Something ******** new happens and I'm right back to where I started; Whimpering and broken.

I stand up each morning, trying my best to forget your face in my dreams. I ignore each seductive stare gazed on me as my heart and mind fog my mind, wondering why I even bother doing anything without you around anymore (That everything I'm doing doesn't bring you any closer to me). I try and seal my heart at work, praying the mundane tasks are JUST enough to forget you... Until some beautiful black woman catches my eyes, sparking your very visage instead of her's... Lighting thousands of pyres in my heart once again.

GOD! How I want to send you a bombardment of messages... Just wanting to talk again and forget this entire ordeal. Go back to those innocent laughter and beautiful smiles that we, and only we, could share together. How my mind and heart keep fighting, tearing each other over the hopes and reality of this entire affair. I feel each day the energy sap out of my body more and more.

I keep trying to keep a balance in my everyday by reassuring myself that you're happy. "Yes. If she's truly happy with what she's decided for herself then I can keep myself going. If I can keep the love in my heart for her burning for myself... Then I can make it." And it numbs all the pain that I feel. It reassures me that everything will work out, whether we end up together or so very distant from one another. What I can make sure is how I truly feel about you and keep my vows that I made to myself strong.

But I fear that I won't be at peace... That I can't heal these wounds until I truly know if you're going to stay out of my life or if you'll come back one day in the further future. I can't hold onto the idea of you returning one day. I can't stand the idea of seeing you once more because I know that you'll own my heart even then. That I'd let go and drop everything I own just to hold you one more time... You truly don't understand what sort of Love pumps in my heart for you... Do you? Not some sort of puppy love or infatuation... This is, for me, True Love. And it can't be broken till you've truly broken each chain that connects me to you. If you truly don't want me in your life,

TELL ME IN YOUR WORDS AND LET ME HEAR HOW MUCH WRONG I'VE GIVEN YOU. PLEASE, JUST SET ME FREE IF YOU DON'T WANT ME... Because I will hold on even if there is just a 0.01% chance... Please...