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I wasn't going to write back in this journal. I told myself over and over again that I wouldn't write in this bloody place... But I finally cracked into my lonesome desire.

This time, guided by the advice a friend gave me. To begin, it's tonight around 2 in the morning when they strike a conversation with me. I laugh to myself, hoping it wasn't some sort of booty call that she wanted. It ended up being almost that case but only because the great sex her boyfriend gave her. I had to remark about my own sexual expertise and explain why I wasn't interested in any sort of offer for sex because of my loneliness and desire to be with that one person.

She began to unravel her life story in front of me and as I read, wishing she'd understand what I told her, did I read in-between her lines some parallels to me and my relationship. How this older man wanted her, at the time being only 18, to take care of him and they almost shared a baby between them. I mean, if that in itself wasn't a slap hard enough to me then I wouldn't know what would be. I'm not stupid enough to think she'd believe I wanted her to take care of me (and even it were a lingering thought to her, I've made myself very clear that I can handle myself alone... Financially at least.).

She continued to detail just how amazing it was for her to find someone who drew so close to her home for her and how everything felt perfect. Perfect. I thought to myself, Thank you for making me feel even more like an absolute ******** up. I mean, the constant confusing dreams and their conflicting meanings do not help me out.

Sigh

God... I'm truly trying my best to forget and leave this all behind me to work on myself. But as I've said to myself and many others before... I never thought much of myself and didn't even believe I'd live this long! How could I suddenly change years of oppressive/depressive thinking alone? I mean, I don't crack or bend to these thoughts/desires. Sure, I complain about the weight of the cart that is life, but I continue to march on... Even if I want to stop. What is the problem with being in the muck and wanting something you can't have? Don't we all have those dreams we could never accomplish and they stay with us like faded scars on our backs, reminding us that there was one time we dreamed to fly but life reminded us why we stay to the ground? Is it wrong to love the past a bit more than what the future might hold? I never asked for much... I always tried to keep my personal begging of others and their services to as a minimal as possible... But I guess what everyone around me saying is right:

Me and her weren't meant to be

So why did we give each other pieces of our soul?! Why did I get so goddamn attached that now I feel lost when she's not around?! Why did I let myself fall in love with her every inch if I was only going to have it for a small amount of time... Why even let me love for so long if I was going to be the one to lose it all... I can't stand this long, depressing days and nights. I don't find comfort anywhere I go... Crying out for her or Seraph as I can't seem to bear this any longer. Why let me love so deeply to the point I can't forget how to... Why let me live a life filled with dreams, colors, and hope when I was just going to return back to the darkness that we all spawn from...?

Why didn't you tell me I was ******** up so badly...