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I don't think I'll stop updating this journal until I've become strong enough to walk without documenting my pains. Well, it's not like I'm cutting my wrists and crying all night anymore (I have never and will never hurt myself). I just think I have tons of unresolved emotions that will continue to affect my everyday until I've either come to terms with it or the conditions that I want are returned... But I think the first option is going to most likely be the option for me.

Yet, I've had a profound moment of clarity for myself. I was watching this amazing proposal video of a guy going great lengths to ask the woman of his dreams to marry him. I was moved to tears because I want to do something like that for her despite being told that such a thing would never happen between us by her. It got me thinking about my own happiness.

Why is your heart racing when you think of such impossible things with her?
Well... It makes me happy. I can't help that such thoughts and ideas bring a smile to my face like nothing else can. Hell, I hit 1.2k followers on Twitch recently and I couldn't find it in myself to be anymore than a casual hoorah for it.
But you two will nev--
And like everyone who has ever left my life, she has done exactly the same: Called me the bad guy, curse me out, call me the worst person they have ever met, and always felt bad for the next girl I'll be with. What difference does those words mean when they all eventually come back? And it's not that I expect her to come back to me on her hands and knees. Even in the end, I don't believe we'd ever be together the way we were... Rather, something completely different and I'll still be happy to be with her. I remember saying that I'd hate seeing her again because I'd be pissed... But that's not the real case. I'd cry and hold her tight in my arms, wanting nothing more than to try again at True Love.
You broke her. You broke her trust, you broke her heart, you broke every inch of her. You don't deserve her.
I don't. I truly don't. But I won't be living the rest of my life like a sinner. I've truly regretted what I've done and I want to make penitence for my actions, but I don't have the option with her. So, the best second option is to become a different man. One who smiles for himself. One who fights for himself. One who makes the World around him be happy because he knows how s**t the world is already. One who doesn't need someone to make him happy, rather invite them to a world of smiles already. That's what I'm doing each day; smiling more, talking more, and being just a better individual.

Exhales

Another thing I took up is a weekly objective. This week is writing. I'm currently working on a collection of short stories that I can't wait to share all over. My managers love it to death. I... Kinda wish she could read some of it.

But, I want to let it be known that I'll no longer pay for the sins of yesterday. That I cannot change the past nor my actions. I've learned my mistakes and I will not repeat them ever with anyone that I may date. For now, my mind is on my world and working hard in it.