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I'm doing a bit better. I mean... There's not really anything worse than a panic attack while on the job (I'm sure there is and I'm not trying to invite worse s**t to happen to me right now.)

Recently got my hair done and shaved. Felt like breaking free to the Dom that I want to be. I mean, I don't want to stay the way I was forever and I want to evolve into the man I know I can be. And yes, I have huge baggage of emotional and physical problems... But that's just for someone to hopefully look me in the eyes and tell me, "It's okay. I accept you for who you are. All of you."

I'm trying to forgive myself... Something I never learned how to because I've lived a life where I'm always the epicenter of every issue, even if it wasn't my problem to begin with. I'd always be dragged the center of the issue and become the root of it. How could I forgive myself when I made the problem happen in the first place? How could I find forgiveness when I cause so many issues for others?

What I think I'm slowly coming to realize is that, and I'm sure I've written this a ton but I'm always hard to learn powerful lessons, it's okay to make mistakes and it's okay to forgive yourself for them. I won't be the same guy I was when I made them as long as I understand what I did wrong and that I forgive myself for getting into those scenarios.

So... I guess I'll try and forgive myself through word first and then in a mirror or something after this post:

1) I forgive myself for the pain I caused to Silent throughout the years I've known her. I forgive myself for the lies I told her and the abuse that I pushed her through. I forgive myself for not being the man I sold myself as. I forgive myself for making such beautiful dreams turn into nightmares.

2) I forgive myself for the pain I caused others. The lies I told other females while just trying to sleep with them for relief of my own sexual desires. I forgive myself of the pain I caused when I told them the truth and I forgive myself for the potential lives I made worse for what I did.

3) I forgive myself for being so goddamn hard on myself. Never do I not criticize myself and the actions I take and I never praise myself for the things I do right for I always feel there's something more I can do. I have to learn to accept that when I've done all I can, there's nothing I really can do.

Forgiving myself is going to take a long time. I just... don't want to be the a*****e guy anymore. I want to honest. I want to be truthful. I want to an actual boyfriend to the next woman who comes along and shakes my world (not sexually). I want to give her everything I've ever promised. I want to give her the stars that I dreamed of having you wear, Silent. I want to actually be a man and date someone instead of treating them like a friend with benefits... I want to be happy.