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"I know you"
People like to tell me that they know me. They might THINK they know me, but they've only scratched the surface...they don't know the REAL me. The me that I keep locked away because it scares even myself. "I've seen the way you smile and its always so nice to see". I should hope so, it's taken years of practice to force a smile that looks real. When you go a few years without joy, you forget how great it feels, and yet you always know how to smile as though nothing is wrong. "You used to be so outgoing and confident, but now you keep to yourself." Yup, that's what happens when you get bullied for years for being yourself and get told off for telling someone how you feel about them. "Nobody from this group of people will ever love you so just stop trying". Those were the last words that anyone ever said to me that cut me deep. After that I turned into a mess. I couldn't feel good about myself, I never took a compliment seriously, I grew uncontrollably depressed, I stopped going out on limbs to risk everything to show that I cared. That's when the me everyone thought they knew changed. Ever since then I've felt a darkness growing inside of me. The kind that grows the more you leave it alone, but you don't know how to fight. The darkness that assails every weakness you've had, knows how to hurt you just by planting a thought and sending you spiraling into an uncontrollable depression. It manipulates you in ways you don't understand. It teaches you true fear. You feel it slowly start to envelop you, at first as a thought that just makes you want people to hurt like they've hurt you, but it escalates the more you ignore it, until you feel it almost overpower you every time you lose your temper. You begin to fear yourself and wonder if you'll ever be the same again. Anytime you hold something sharp you think about how easy it would be. Them or you. You avoid sharp objects as much as you can afraid that it will take control and do something you will regret. You have to use all your willpower to keep the darkness at bay. You become more anxious every day to the point being around large groups of people send you into an anxiety attack because you're afraid you might hurt someone. You push friends away and lock yourself away in your house, only leaving for necessities because you are so afraid to lose control. You try to hide it, but you know it will eventually surge out. You just hope it's you and not them. THAT is what I deal with every day. THAT is what I hide from people. The voice that tells me that they need to hurt like I've been hurt. I don't want to hurt anyone, but sometimes, when I get really angry, I just feel myself start to lose all control of my limbs and feel numb to everything that is happening to me. I see vivid images of people and animals getting hurt by me. I want to cry because I don't want any of it to happen. I'm afraid of myself. I've changed from my outgoing self to a recluse who doesn't want anyone to meet the true person inside of them. The person who wakes up every morning, puts on their costume, and covers their face with a mask so nobody will worry about them. I can't bear the thought of anyone worrying about me...Physical pain can heal, but emotional pain can last a lifetime. I want to get better, but I want to fight the demons myself. I don't want a crutch. I just can't bring myself to fight...sorry for this large cluster ******** of a paragraphy thing, I just needed to get that off my chest....
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