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Do you ever feel like you attract the wrong people? Or is it that there is just a lot of bad people out there? Make "friends", then lose them. And what's with that? Why can't people just be true. True to themselves and true to others. I don't understand all the lies and hiding. I like to think I'm one person out there who doesn't bother with lies. I'd rather be hurt by the truth than a lie. Betrayal is the worst. I don't get it. Why are people only out there for themselves, not caring who they hurt? I'm all for being selfish if you're doing it the right away. Not hurting other people. You meet people who are awesome and then a week later you see their true selves. I have a hard time with time itself. It's something I've been stubborn to learn. Jumping into things too fast. That's a flaw I have. But at the same time. Things happen. I have no regrets but if people could just be true things would be easier. I don't get why people act the way they do and do the things they do. How can people not care about hurting other people. I care about hurting people. I don't want to. But that's a double edged sword. Cause being bluntly honest like I am can hurt people. But like I said "I'd rather be hurt by the truth than a lie". I don't see how people can just hurt others with no sweat off their brow. It doesn't make sense. If I hurt someone I feel like garbage. I feel so awful. But these people hurt people and don't care. How can they not care. I can be cold, who can't. But I'd rather just drop the toxic people. That's another thing. The drama. Why? Just drop those toxic people and move on. Obviously moving on takes time. But why keep creating more drama and then hurting yourself more? It's not worth it. I don't know why people do it to themselves. Maybe they like the drama cause you're more likely to be pittyed. I don't know. Just be you and move on from it. And then saying cruel things to people you use to be close with. Why? Why do you want them hurt? You spend years and years knowing someone and spending all this time and money on them to find out they're horrible people. And then you gotta say mean stuff? Why. Just move on. Everyone seems to be caught up in all this stuff and no one even cares to take time to see that thery're hurting themselves just as bad as the person they're trying to. Grow up. Its pointless to be like that. I keep making the same mistake with people. Not getting time to actually know what they're really like. I should take more time to know people. But at the same time. I feel so deperate to have friends in my life. I'm tired of being alone all the time. But again that's my fault. I take the odd risk on people. And most of the time I end up hurt. I don't regret anything but I do hate being hurt. It's tiring. Seems like everyone I meet is all the same. Benefit from you and once you're no longer useful they drop you. I'm tired of it. I don't really let people in. It's weird. My whole life is an open book and I have no problem telling anyone anything but I never really let people in. I'm scared of being hurt cause it happens all the time. We really are weird creatures. We're so strong mentally. But we crave interaction with others. We go through so much to keep people in our lives who aren't worth it. Then we break and we meet new people we get along with. For them to act the same way. Is it me? Maybe it's what I'm doing? I don't know. I took a chance which I don't do with people to get hurt like not even a day later. But that's my fault cause I KNOW things take time. And I was trying to take time. But I got used. I keep telling myself I didn't but it's not my fault. I was used. It feels so normal honestly. It's so strange. And people wonder why I'm an a hole. But that's me. I'd rather be blunt and a jerk than fake. I hide a lot actually. I'm scared of feeling hope. It's a fake thing to me. It's like opening yourself to disaster. But that's another flaw. I learn all the time and I know there's things I gotta change but how. I don't wanna be alone. But I don't wanna be used or hurt anymore. That's the risk I take everytime I meet new people. Even people you already know. It's so strange when you think about it. I don't wanna be hurt anymore. I wish I could just be numb to it right away. But I can't be like that. That's not me. I care too much about people I don;t know. I just want everyone to be happy. I want every one I spend time with to be happy. I don't wanna hurt anyone. But I'm always hurt. I hate it. But what can I do? I can't just sit at home and wonder "what if I took that risk". One day it's gotta pay off right? One day? But I don't believe in hope. So I always feel like I'm gunna be trapped in this black whole sucking up my last being of self. Everytime someone does this I always lose a part of myself. So when will myself put up a defence and say enough is enough. But how will I find decent people if I don't try? People around where I live have this vision that I'm a horrible person who does horrible things but that's never been me and never will be me. It makes it so hard to make friends when people I cared about turned on me cause they couldn't get what they wanted out of me. And then they have to go around and destory how other people see me. And people suck that up and they all believe what theyre told. And then here I am. Scarred and alone. Cause most people who know my name wont take a chance cause of WHAT THEY HEARD. It's sickening. I wish people would take the chance like I would but no one does. I always take the risk to get hurt. It's so stupid. Sometimes I wonder why I bother when everyone always says the same things "I would never do that" Come on. That's just saying youre going to now. I'm tired of taking chances. I'm tired of this all the time. People being awful. I don't get it. I always keep it 100% but people just turn on me. Am I not exciting enough? Do I need more drama in my life? Cause that's just not going to happen. I don't wanna be apart of that. It's tiring and I have to deal with so much other stuff day to day. I don't need the added. And yes I know I'm rambling like always. My mind jumps all the time. I wonder constantly what I'm doing wrong. Or even if I am doing anything wrong. If I knew what I was doing, I'd be able to try to fix it. Ugh people suck, and things are hard. It's so tiring all the time. I want out of all this stuff and I get out of it to get sucked right back in then lose everything. And I'm alone in the end. Always. And it's like it doesn't even bother these people when they are awful people. I don't understand.
I'm tired of being alone all the time. I've never wasted time or regretted anything cause you can learn from everything but come on... People need to stop being so horrible all the time. I wanna meet decent people. Good people. Who I don't have to worry about. But when will that happen. How many more horrible people do I have to meet before I meet the decent people. I feel so old. I'd like it to happen soon. Cause yeah.... That'd be nice. But odds are I have a feeling I'm gunna be alone in the end anyways.
I guess its not too bad..... If I could get over my mental illness being alone wouldn't be so bad I guess... Guess I'll have to reevaluate this in a couple years and see if anything has changed haha.