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I'm not even going to start with how I am. I'm in full blown, can't cope, so my mind is pretending like my grandma is just away. I have memories of the emergency situation but I just can't cope with it. Too much death, too much loss. My mind just can't do this. I'm living in an illusion, so much so, that I haven't even cried yet. I feel like the funeral will hit hard if I can't figure out how to start dealing with it. It's on the 6th of October. I have less than a week.

So, let's start with the fact that my brother came home this weekend and we're cooking meals together. We made bbq ribs for the first time yesterday. So good! It's always fun cooking with the family. But him and mom keep bringing up convos I just want to forget. They're so proud of me doing cpr and chest compressions. I'm glad they're proud but I don't want to talk about it. I know I did so much better than when I had to do chest compressions on papa but I still feel like I could have done better, like I should have been able to bring her completely back. Then, we were talking about hospice pushing the dnr when gram didn't want it, talking about how they explained how you have to break ribs. We already knew that, except mom keeps forgetting. Every time we talk about gram or papa and rib breaking gets brought up, mom thinks I didn't have to. It's not physically possible to do chest compressions without breaking ribs but I think her mind suppresses that info. She looks devastated and shocked every time. It's heartbreaking. I know she understands that it had to be done but I feel dirty... I feel like a horrible person. Both my grandparents, practically, raised me and I had to break both of their ribs. It's gut wrenching, but I have to step back and realize they both wanted to fight. They knew what they were in for and that's what fighting can look like. Fighting isn't pretty, warring death isn't pretty. You just have to be willing to "soldier up" and do what needs to be done. I did what I had to do, I made the tough calls and carried out their wishes. Now, I'm throwing it behind me and suppressing it because I don't even know where to begin dealing with it. I know it completely conflicts with my other post about self awareness and toxic things but, right now, I'm just trying to be able to function and get from day to day in one piece. It's just so hard because I haven't even thought about having to break papa's ribs for chest compressions this much. Now, it's bring up both memories and emotions.

Two days after gram passed, mom made me help her rearrange her room. She shared a room with gram, I understand it's hard not seeing her there, but I don't deal well with change. I, at least, let it settle in or keep it that way in remembrance of the person, until I feel okay to change it. She's also boxing up her stuff and all. I feel like gram's just being wiped away and forgotten. I know it's how she's dealing with it, but it hurts. For me, it's way too soon. crying I know I'm not the only one hurting though and it's her room. I just wish I had more say. She's going crazy though, anxiety through the roof trying to stay busy.

I'm going to be honest though. I wanted to live alone, by myself before this happened. Now, Idk if it's me or thinking about her but I really don't want to live alone or leave her alone. Idk which one.

I know this has been really long already but one more good thing. Britt, Ash's sister, thinks their long lost sister just found them. She is a spitting imagine of her Mandy, Britt's sister, and her mom. They're going to be trying to do a dna test to see. I would be really shocked if she wasn't. I just wish she would have found them before Ash and their mom passed away. sad