1. I chased off a good one by thinking he was just like you when he was nothing like you.
2. I dated a good one that was so unlike you that we couldn't work out.
3. I dated one who was as depressed as you sometimes were at the beginning and it killed us.
4. Now I'm dating someone who has all of your qualities except for the good ones.
I miss you. I miss us. I feel so tired of this and broken.
For Christmas, the current one bought me Lydia's poncho from "Beetlejuice: The Animated Series". I don't know how to feel about it. I sort of just stare at it and try not to cry, thinking about how you and I were meant to be toon Beetlejuice and Lydia. I wanted that poncho so badly growing up- you know this of course. I was going to start making it myself for our cosplay around the time you left. But since you left, it didn't feel right. It sucked because I could tell I still wanted it, still wanted to wear it... But I just couldn't make myself. Eventually, I did realize that maybe I should just do it at least just to wear at home but that didn't work out and I felt like that was a message saying I wasn't meant to wear it without you... So I gave up on it again. At that point, I told myself that maybe it just wasn't time yet. And now... Now... Now it's Graveyard Revue Beetlejuice that has given the toon Lydia inside me her poncho and... I'm really happy to have it but it also feels wrong for toon Lydia to be given the poncho by Graveyard Revue Beetlejuice...
I'm sure you remember the story of how our years with GR helped me live without the cartoon until I found it again... If not, here's the short version: it went off the air when I was four and I searched for it for a long time before crying and giving up. Mom showed me the movie, thinking it was what I was looking for but she was wrong. Then we started going to the theme parks a few years later and Graveyard Revue had enough of the toon in it that I just clung to it until I could find the toon again. You sat in the bleachers beside me nearly every time I saw the show in person... I haven't forgotten that.
There's too much that time cannot erase. I remember your cat, Cloud... That time your mom sent us her copy of The Dark Crystal so we could get into Jim Henson... "Got my keyblade"... Tales of Pirates... Mabinogi... Valentine's Day was our anniversary... I remember the first thing you ever said to me, which was just a simple "meow"... I remember soda cat... I remember when you gave me one of my old rings as a promise... I remember dancing in the kitchen with you in your cat hoodie... I even remember exactly what it felt like to hold you. So yeah... There's just too much. I even ported up your Charizard from your cartridge of Pokemon Soul Silver- I have never touched your file for anything else. She's now my partner Pokemon that follows me from game to game.
Anyway... If you'd forgotten, now you know again my story related to the Beetlejuice Animated Series and Graveyard Revue. Well... I just feel like I'm living through it again but this time, a million times worse. YOU were MY toon Beetlejuice to my toon Lydia... now I'm still the toon but the toon is gone once again and it seems Gravyeard Revue is trying to save me once again... But the tough part to look at is that Graveyard Revue never had a Lydia... the same applies to him as well. And I'm afraid that this toon Lydia may be much too damaged and broken after experiencing the bad ending to the "It's A Wonderful Afterlife" episode in her real life... This Lydia sort of just huddles in the darkness of her own bedroom, broken and bruised. This Lydia's life now is a scummer vacation that really screams. And Graveyard Revue being just as much the movie as he is the toon... Well, I don't think he'd be strong or dedicated enough to make this Lydia come out of the darkness. There's too much Prince Vince in him that is making him unable to rescue her.
Meanwhile, all around me... Everyone is getting married, having kids, having second kids... and it's just making the bedroom darker around me as they're all leaving me behind. And it really doesn't make it any easier knowing you're out there metaphorically with them, leaving me in the dust... I'm now living that song you sent me so long ago... Everyone I know goes away in the end.
I'm trying to be okay with it as best I can anyway though... I understand that some of us have to be left in the dust. That's just a part of life in this world. It doesn't make it hurt any less. But hey, I do wonder if all of my friends would have found someone if we'd stayed together... I know that probably doesn't make any sense- it's based on the theory that there are multiple parallel universes that we all slip in and out of. Maybe we entered one where they all found love when we fell apart... And no matter what I say, I AM happy that they've found someone- I always wanted that for them. But I'm just saying I'd be lying if I said I wasn't a little jealous watching them go on with the life I thought I'd have... It's the same for me with you as well... Part of me is glad you have someone to love you, you always deserved love. But another part of me really misses how safe and happy I felt with you, too... and misses being able to have the dream that I'd be your wife and the mom of your kid(s)...
Seems like every other dream I spoke with you in whispers about when we were kids is coming true- I have animatronic figures in my room, I'm starting to collect Reborn dolls with a nursery room, I finally got my poncho and a gothic bed... I have my toon Beetlejuice plush... I'm getting everything I ever told you I wished for... But it gets difficult to enjoy any of it at all, knowing I'm not going to have the one biggest dream I ever had...
If you read this though... Please. Do NOT try to end things on your end because of me. I don't care how hurt, tired or broken I am, it's not worth hurting yourself or her or any kid(s). I'm only expressing the things that I feel I need to say to you here in my journal to try to help myself temporarily alleviate the pain from the hole in my chest.
Snugglejuice Community Member 
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