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I wish someone could help me. I feel like I've been living in a dream, and I just can't shake it no matter how hard I try. I know that I'm not dreaming, and I try to tell myself that what's happend is real and I'm not going to wake up from it. I feel so confused. I randomly keep getting sad and crying and I can't even think of a reason. I think of happy things and how I have nothing to cry about, but it only makes me cry more. Then 30 minutes laugher I can get so happy and hyper that I just can't sit still and then go back to crying later on. My body is always sore and feels worn out so much that all I want to do is lay down, and went I lay down I can't keep myself from falling asleep no matter how not tired I think I am. I'm having a really hard time getting up in the mornings, like I don't want to. I used to tell myself about all the things I had to look forward to and it would always help to get me up, but I was surprized to realize that went I told myself of all the good things that were going to happen to me today I found myself replying that I didn't care. I just didn't want to get up, I was thinking that I never wanted to get up. I told myself that I was just too tired to live life anymore. The feeling passed after I got ready for school and sat down at the kitchen table staring at the clock, waiting for exactly 2 minutes to pass until I had to wake up my brothers. I thought about eating breakfast. All of a sudden I wanted some of the cereal I had for dinner last night, but by the time I got everything out, the craving had passed, and the thought of eating the cereal, made me sick. That's been happening a lot. It worries me, I want to eat, but just a little peice of cheese and I feel so stuffed that I can't possibly eat anything else. It feels good when my stomach growls, but I know it's not right. I miss my Dad, I just really miss him. I don't know why. I never missed him when he was in Colorado, even though he never called or anything. I never missed him the 2 weeks that I didn't see him either. Now, I just wish that I hadn't avoided him so much. I never completely forgave him for leaving, until the weekend before it happend, and he finally admitted that he was wrong and he was sorry for it. How could he go and die after I finally forgave him? I just want him back. Everyone else seems to have moved on, and I keep trying, but I just can't stop dwelling on it from time to time. In psychology we learned about some guys theory that nothing we do is an accident. I feel like I'm making problems for myself because maybe I'm trying to keep myself distracted from why I'm really upset, but I don't know. I feel like no one can help me, so I don't want to tell anyone. I just don't want to make anyone sad the way that I am when one of my friends is sad and I can't do anything to help. Oh....my mom just called, Bert's on his way to our house with Dad's ashes. I have to go.
 HanaJaganshi · Thu Sep 21, 2006 @ 08:13pm · 0 Comments |
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