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Where can I pick up some Happiness for Christmas? |
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There is so much pressure put on us in life. Pressure to succeed, to always do the right thing, to make a positive contribution to society, to be a good role model and to make your loved ones proud. I want to do all of those things, I want to be the person that everyone wants me to be, it's what I've always dreamed of, what I've always striven for yet some how I always feel like a failure. I always feel like everyone secretly hates me and has to try really hard to tolerate me. I work so hard to achieve a high sense of self esteem. I try to be honest and caring and everything else that makes up a 'good person' but I know I'm far from anything good. I'm tired of kidding myself. I am annoying and troublesome. I ask for too much, my expectations are too great. I talk endlessly about my problems, which I am even doing this very moment. I like to pretend I am selfless and only care about others feelings and helping them but I don't. Yeah I care about people and I want them to be happy and I'd love to just take all their troubles away but I think I care more about myself than anyone. Jealousy consumes my soul, I am jealous of people whose situations I know I wouldn't really want to be in given logical consideration but I can't stop myself from envying everything they have going for them, completely overlooking what good I have going for me. I am a coward to turn to thoughts of dying in order to escape my troubles. If I were brave I would face my problems head on, take whatever beating they dish out fighting to survive and then lick my wounds and move on with my life. Instead I let all of them sit around me in a big circle and taunt me. I ignore them hoping they'll go away while more and more just build up until it's too much to bare then I break down because I feel in over my head. My communication skills are poor to say the least and rather than admit that to myself in an argument I would rather accuse the other person of simply twisting my words. If everyone I argue with makes me feel like a terrible person when they speak their hearts then it would stand to reason that they are right. Be that as it may, I am who I am. I don't know what to do or say from this point on. If I speak out I burn someone, if I don't speak out then someone else gets burned. I miss the simple days when a cup of hot chocolate in the backyard with a close friend would be all I ever needed. When walking was a leisure activity and not a chore that made my knee swell and throb, when food and eating was a joy but wasn't the only thing on my mind or the only thing that makes me happy. I miss having irrational hopes and dreams and actually believing in them. I miss the time when Christmas was about making cookies for Santa, playing with my cousins at family gatherings and unwrapping presents instead of worrying about money and affording gifts. I miss the days when Jennifer and I were little back when she lived in her farm house and whenever we got into a really bad argument I could stop and say "Do you even remember what we're arguing about?" and realizing that neither of us did, laughing and forgetting the whole thing ever happened without holding the littlest grudge. I think about my family a lot. I used to be so close to Jennifer, we were practically sisters. She was so sweet and nice, helpful a good listener, maybe a little lazy but so easy to get along with, it baffles me that she has changed so much but maybe this is her. Maybe this is who she's always been but kept hidden because she worried too much about what other people thought about her and now she is just letting her true self and true feelings show? I think about Bekki and how I've always been jealous of all the praise that she had over the years regarding her grades and how well behaved she was and how she's so creative and stylish and chic and modern and gorgeous and how good she was at styling hair and drawing, and how much I always wanted to be just like her or better if I could. How I always try to dress up a little when I know she's going to see me because I am embarrassed about how little I know about fashion and am afraid that her fashion consciousness will be evaluating me and knowing she might be embarrassed to be seen with me if I didn't look as decent as possible. Only to find out all these years later that she was just as jealous of me as I of her. Resentful of my singing and the attention I got and still continue to get, and realizing that maybe she doesn't really like live theater or hearing people sing because of me. Hearing my cousins be told that they have no future scares me to death, because I haven't been told I have no future does that mean everyone assumes that I do? Are they expecting a great future from me just because I chose a college program and am almost 3/4 done with it? It doesn't necessarily mean I'm going to have one. Just because I love the career doesn't mean I'm going to be good at it. All this year I feel like I am constantly fighting and struggling to make the grades I need only just barely stagger across the finish line. It is so hard for me to come up with client centered goals and make splints correctly and be assertive with patients, how am I ever going to be good at this job? I am always late to work and school and family gatherings and everything, what professional job is going to tolerate that? If I'm trying my hardest and my hardest is just barely good enough then who will want to hire me? If anyone has no future its me. I've run off all my friends and family and if I keep up this self-destruction then soon I will have no one but myself and if no one else can stand me then how will I do any better? By tomorrow I might be happy and forget all about the concerns I've just expressed. But these feelings don't ever stay away for good, no matter how hard I fight to stay away from them, they are always waiting just around the corner to grab me. What if one day I am not able to shake them off? "One day it will be better" goes on for years and I stop believing that one day it will be better? I have been lost before, I know the feeling of walking through life without thoughts or feelings and hiding behind a simple 30 minute obsession 5 times a week and then sleeping all the times I didn't have to be awake. I don't want to face that again, I'd rather die.
 HanaJaganshi · Mon Nov 30, 2009 @ 01:19am · 0 Comments |
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