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(Swirls of poison mist...)

Guess it's been a while. I don't think anyone reads my journals or cares anymore. I don't want to be like those other fools that update then tell everybody either by sig or PM "HEY I UPDATE MY JOURNAL!"...dumbasses. Believe me, doing this does very little for me. I usually look at my entries later and go, "wow I'm stupid" or "why the hell did I say that?" etc.

My life? Do you really care? I'm lazy. For those that know me and know Tess, I refer you to Hermitess' journal. My life's about exactly the same except that it's my grandmother and grandfather's health that is fading. Maybe I don't share the same relationship issues...but hell I AM one of her relationship issues. Yeah that's right...I'm the ******** up son of a b***h who stopped committing. It doesn't matter why anymore. In the beginning there were lots of reasons, now there are too few. It's nobody's fault, but I make it mine for the sake of atonement. No, I won't ever stop tormenting myself for it...probably not until she gets over it. I don't mean get over it like "I don't care anymore" I mean get beyond the emotional barriers it has caused in us both. It's like two people in different giant bubbles trying to hug each other.

Which gets me to my next point. I am not the same. I am a person who always changes and develops, and hopefully matures at some point. Long ago, I learned of several different pains I cause. I bet I seem difficult sometimes, I bet you still think I'm an a** that picks people apart, tells them what's wrong with them. Think it over, the only one really telling you what's wrong anymore is you. I gave it up. After I damaged someone too much, I stopped looking into people's hearts and diagnosing them emotionally. Who am I to tell you anything? Being able to see what you refuse to see within yourself is something more like a curse sometimes. So I vowed never to do it again. I see when you lie, I see when you believe something different than what you say. I give you hints that you're doing something wrong, but I will bear with my sight as my own pain. You will tell me what's wrong or you won't, and I'll deal with it accordingly.

As a final note, I'd like to say that Tess is one of the sweetest women in the entire world. She is adorable, loving, kind, and wonderful. She has a great heart that is unfortunately fragile, but her stubbornness and strength of will have kept her alive in a world that would otherwise devour her. I would never abandon her. I would never be phony or fake, she deserves honesty and she deserves love, care, and affection. I can see beneath the surface, and I am sorry she is in so much pain. I wish there was more I could do, but I have denied that side of myself for now. You all should stab me, find some sort of justice or retribution for her. Carve out that part of her heart that hates me for what I've done, and bury me with it.