Last night Louis and I went to a party at his parents' place, with a good chunk of his family, on his father's side. It was fun. We ate and drank, the usual. Once everyone left the party we decided to rent a movie. The chick at the video store just happened to flirt with Louis when I wasn't looking. She asked him to meet her at the pool hall next door. Louis told me, either because his ego was enflated or because he wanted to show me he still has it (which isn't even in question seeing as Louis is ridiculously hot, and I tell him so all the time). It burst my bubble for the evening.
I have a serious self-esteem problem lately, along with my anxiety from work and my seasonal depression. Let's just say I'm really not a happy camper lately, and since the last month or so. When Louis told me what that chick had said, it made me feel challenged some how. Like I was being asked to do better... I was jealous but also worried for my standing in the eyes of the guy I adore. The alcohol didn't help either, I'm sure. I got really angry with Louis. Told him to never tell me when girls are flirting with him ever again, that it's too much for me to handle. It was a bit much for me.
I used to have a really nice body. I still look ok, I know I do, but I've gained a couple pounds since I met Louis and it shows. I would love nothing more than to look like that for him again. It makes me feel less desirable to him. It upsets me.
If it was just of me, if I was single, my body wouldn't be an issue. I wear a size 1 for god's sake and I'm 23 years old. It's just that my a** doesn't fit into that size 1 the way it used to...
This is me letting off steem the only way I know how, complaining about the way I am. I don't intent to change any of my habbits, but right now, I need to let it out so it doesn't take me over for the rest of the day. I had to sleep on it already. It really wasn't much fun.
Too bad for a Happy New year... my heart is still a bit heavy.
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