I really don't know what to do anymore. Maybe I'm just in one of those moods again... one of those where I feel like no one cares, that I just bother everyone with anything I do or say. One of those times when I just want to sit in a corner and hide, but I can't do anything but go to school because I have to.
You can probably guess why I'm feeling like this again. There's just no point in my trying to get through to her anymore. She doesn't even seem to notice how hard I try to make her happy. I can't just change like that, especially within the span of two weeks. There's only so many things I can do. I can't help that I've been a bit apathetic to life lately. Life has been apathetic to me.
The funny thing is, or what I'm seeing, she just doesn't care what I think or feel. It's all about her. If she's not happy with how I'm acting, I'm a bad person. But what about me? I don't like being yelled at, being accused of things, having all my flaws pointed out every week when she thinks of another one. It's like she doesn't realize or care that she tears me apart every time. She might as well stab me as much as she hurts me. But she doesn't care. I really believe she doesn't.
Maybe I just look into it too much, or maybe I'm looking for a way to defend myself. But really, I haven't accused her of anything, or pointed out her flaws, her faults. There are so many things I could have said that would have pissed her off so much more, and I know that... Things about Luke, things that I really could have cared less about. But I've been as nice as I can be, as caring as possible. It's like I have to be constantly happy and talkative, though. I don't have anything to talk about! Half of the things I would normally bring up in conversation with people she wouldn't care about anyway. WoW? That's the reason I 'don't talk to her'. My classes? She doesn't understand them. What's the point in talking to her about things I know she's not going to want to listen to? What's the point in talking about things she doesn't understand? I don't live an interesting life! My life is boring and empty, what the hell should I talk about?!
But I'm still at fault. No matter what I do, I'm at fault, and she doesn't give a ******** flip about it. I'm so close to just giving up, it's not even funny. Every time I talk to Neat, she makes me feel like s**t. I swear, that's twice in the same month I've felt like crying because of her. I hate it. Why can't she just appreciate that I talk to her at all? You know how many people I ******** ignore because I don't care what they have to say? But she just... she can't overlook my moods like Rach, and she can't just appreciate that I'm at least trying. I can't change completely, and I refuse to become a doormat just for her. If I have to change for her, I have to change for everyone else, and I don't want to do that. I'm sick of being depressed and mopey every time she gets online and says something that I can't respond to out of fear that she'll stop talking to me.
Does she even realize how hard I'm trying to keep this together? There are so many people who have told me to just forget about it, drop it. I don't need this, and I shouldn't have to put up with it. At least four people have said it, and I'm sure if I told more, they'd say the same thing. But I don't. I don't stop talking to her, and I don't stop trying.
Is it so wrong to be moody? I can't help the way I am, and it's not likely to change, especially in a split second...
I just... I don't know what to do anymore...
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Bombay's Random Writings
Random randomness from the mind of a wierd little person.
That would be me.
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