Welcome to Gaia! :: View User's Journal | Gaia Journals

"Pain, without love, pain, i cant get enough, pain, i like it rough, cause id rather feel pain then nothing at all"-three days grace

Those words are constantly going through my head. It always makes me wonder, why pain, is better than no feeling at all, for i have pain, and i disagree. I can feel my heart breaking more and more everyday. I feel the pain i have, caused by others, and i feel the pain, that i cause. It hurts. A lot. And to be honest, i would rather be quiet, and have no thought, then to feel the way i do every day of my life. I am always upset, always crying, and i know thats the only reason my "Friends" notice or even talk to me, because they do not want to see me upset.And the rare times that i am happy, it is like i am invisible to them. I am getting so sick of everyone pitying me, that now, i cover up my fear, and my hate by repressing myself, with false hope and happiness. and no one knows that i do that. I do not know what i should do, or if i should do anything at all. My hatred, and my pain, has turned my heart cold. I am now mean, and cruel to my family, and to what friends i still have. But i know if i tell them what is going on, all i will get is pity, and probably be locked up in a mental institution. People already think i am crazy, why add to it. why even try.My heart, and my head, are just telling me to abandon my friends, my family and just be alone.Sit in a dark room, and do nothing, for this would cause me a lot less grief. I know my problems seem insignificant compared to the rest of the world. That there is probably others out there like me, and probably others that are worse off then me. But if that is true, then why do i still feel alone?