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1. Accident
"How come you're late?" asks the bartender as the blonde waitress walks in the door.
"It was awful," she explains. "I was walking down the street and there was this terrible accident. A man was lying in the middle of the street; he was thrown from his car. His leg was broken, his skull was fractured, and there was blood everywhere. Thank God I took that first-aid course; all my training came back to me in a minute."
"What did you do?" asks the bartender.
"I sat down and put my head between my knees to keep from fainting!"
2. Adult Video
A blonde decides to do something wild she hasn't done before, so she sets out to rent her first x-rated adult video.
She goes to the video store and, after looking around for a while, selects a title that sounds very stimulating.
When she arrives home, lights some candles, slips into something comfortable, and puts the tape into the VCR. To her disappointment, there's nothing but static on the screen, so she calls the video store to complain.
"I just rented an adult movie from you and there's nothing on the tape but static."
"Sorry about, that,"replied the store clerk. "We've had problems with some of those tapes. Which title did you rent?"
The blonde replied, "It's called 'Head Cleaner.'"
3. Appliance Store
A blonde went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain. "I would like to buy this TV," she told the salesman. "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.
She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman, "I would like to buy this TV."
"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.
"Darn, he recognized me," she thought. She went for a complete disguise this time, haircut and new color, new outfit, big sunglasses, then waited a few days before she again approached the salesman. "I would like to buy this TV."
"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.
Frustrated, she exclaimed, "How do you know I'm a blonde?"
"Because that's a microwave." he replied.
4. Beauty Salon
A blonde walks into a beauty salon to get a hair cut with headphones on. The hairdresser asks her to take them off for the haircut and she replies, "I can't, I'll die." She proceeds to cut her hair and it looks awful.
Six weeks later the same blonde comes in for another haircut. The hairdresser pleads with her, "Please take your headphones off - I can make your hair look beautiful." Once again the blonde replies, "I can't, I'll die". So she receives another awful haircut.
Six weeks later the blonde show up at the salon and once again the hairdresser says, "Please take your headphones off - I can make your hair beautiful if you would just take off the headphones". And once again the blonde replies, "I can't, I'll die".
The hairstylist proceeds to cut her hair. While doing so the blonde falls asleep. The hairstylist quickly thinks to herself - I will remove the headphones and replace them before she wakes up, I'll make her hair beautiful. Seconds after doing this the blonde falls off the chair. The hairdresser checked her and she wasn't breathing.
Dying to know what was keeping her alive with the headphones on, The hairsytlist places them on her head. And she hears............
"Breathe in, breathe out - breathe in, breath out - ........"
5. Blow the Pipe
A blonde was driving back from the mall when there was a terrible hail storm. Huge hail stones the size of golf balls pelted her car leaving it full of dents. She drove to the body shop and asked what she should do. The body man explained what needed to be done and that it would cost at least $4,000 to repair. She said that was too much and asked if there was some other way to fix it.
The body man decided to have a little fun and said, "Well you could blow into the tail pipe real hard and they might pop back out." She decided to give it a try before spending that much money.
She drove home and was in the garage with her lips wrapped around the exhaust pipe when her blonde neighbor came over to visit.
"What are you doing?" she shrieked thinking the worst and thankful that she may have just prevented her friend from committing suicide.
"I'm blowing into the tail pipe real hard to pop all these dents out of my car," explained the first blonde.
"Well silly, it's not going to work," replied her neighbor.
"Why not?" asked the first blonde.
"Because you've got to roll up the windows first!"
6. Circus
A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two young people show up. One is a good looking guy in his mid-twenties and the other is a gorgeous blonde about the same age.
The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you both better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment a chair, a whip, and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"
The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her, so she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body. The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her ankles. He continues to lick her calves, kisses them, and then rests his head at her feet.
The circus owner's mouth is on the floor. He remarks, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the young man and asks, "Can you top that?" "No problem," replies the young man, "just get that lion out of the way."
7. Blondes & Maths
80,000 blondes meet in Dublin for a "Blondes Are Not Stupid Convention." The compere says "We are all here today to prove to the world that blondes are not stupid.
Can I have a volunteer?" One blonde steps up. The compere says to her "What is 15 plus 15?" After 15 or 20 seconds she says "Eighteen." Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then 80,000 blondes start cheering "Give her another chance, give her another chance." The compere says "Well since we've gone to the trouble of getting 80,000 of you here and the world wide press, I guess we can give her another chance."
So he says "What is 5 plus 5?" After nearly 30 seconds she eventually says "Ninety?" The compere sighs - everyone is crestfallen and the blonde starts crying and 80,000 girls start yelling "Give her another chance, give her another chance."
The compere, unsure whether or not he is doing more harm than damage, eventually says "Ok! One more chance. What is 2 plus 2?" The girl closes her eyes and after a whole minute eventually says "Four." Around the stadium 80,000 girls start yelling "Give her another chance, give her another chance."
8. Sheep Farm
A blonde was sick and tired of hearing jokes about being dumb. She decided to dye her hair black and set out to prove to the world just how wrong they were about blondes.
She drove out of the city and into the country where there were many sheep farms. She spotted a sheep farmer, stopped her car and said, "If I can tell you exactly how many sheep are in your field, will you give me a sheep?" He said "Sure!" She counted and said "131." The farmer said, "That's Right! Go ahead and get a sheep." The blonde went and got her sheep.
Then, the farmer said, "If I tell you what color your hair really is, can I have it back?" and she said, "Yes."
"Blonde. Now give me back my dog."
9. Ten Blondes
There were 11 women holding on to a rope hanging from the helicopter which had rescued them. Ten were blonde, and one was a brunette.
The pilot yelled to them that one person should let go of the rope, or the rope might break and everyone would die.
They couldn't decide who should go until finally the brunette volunteered to make the sacrifice. She gave a very moving speech, saying she would let go to spare her friends.
Even before she could release her grip, all the blondes started clapping...
10. You've Got Mail
A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde female neighbour came out of the house and went straight to the mail box. She opened it then slammed it shut stormed back in the house. A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and again opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.
As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.
Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, 'Is something wrong?'
To which she replied, 'There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps saying, 'YOU'VE GOT MAIL'
11. Potato
A blond, a brunette and a red head go to a party. The cops come to raid the party, so the three girls jump into potato sacks.
The cops come to the potatoe sack with the brunette, they kick it and she says "woof" so, they say, oh it's just a dog.
They go to the one with the red head in it, they kick it and she says "meow" they say, oh it's just a cat.
They go to the blonde and kick it she says "potato"
12. The Frog
This guy walks into the bar and sees a gorgeous blonde sitting on a bar stool all alone. So the guy sits down next to her and pulls a small box from his pocket. He opens it and there's a frog inside. The blonde says, "He's cute, but does he do tricks?" The guy says, "Yea, he licks p***y." So after talking with her for several minutes, he convinces her to come with him to his apartment. They get there and she takes all of her clothes off, gets into the bed and spreads her legs. The guy sets the frog right between her legs and it just sits there not moving at all. the blond says, "Well? what's up?" The frog still does not move. So the guy leans over to the frog and says, "All right, I'm only going to show you how to do this one more time!"
13. $10 Bill
There is a $10 bill in the middle of the street, and there are three people : A dumb blonde, a smart blonde and santa claus. Who picks up the $10 bill?
Answer: The dumb blinde, because the other two don't exist!
14. Burger King
A blonde walks into Burger King and asks for Chicken McNuggets.
15. Jump Off A Building
There was a blonde and a brunette, the both wanted to jump off of a building. To make it a little more exciting, they made a bet to see who would hit the ground first. They both jump at the exact time. Who hit the ground first?
Answer : The brunette did, because the blonde stopped half way to ask for directions.
16. Blonde's Cooking Diary
Blonde's Cooking Diary :-
Monday:
It's fun to cook for Bob. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately.
The neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls.
Tuesday:
Bob wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without dressing. So I didn't dress.
What a surprise when Bob brought a friend home for supper.
Wednesday:
A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice.
It seemed kinda of silly but I took a bath. I can't say it improved the rice any.
Thursday:
Today Bob asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said prepare ingredients, then toss on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving.
Which is what led up to Bob asking me why I was rolling around in the garden?
Friday:
I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put all ingredients in bowl and beat it.
There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as when I left.
Saturday:
Bob did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday (oh boy).
For some reason Bob keeps counting to ten.
Sunday:
Bob's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast. All I could find was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius. I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast.
It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment.
Good night Dear Diary. This has been a very exciting week. I am eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on Bob. If we could just get a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with Chocolate Moose.
17. Make A Wish
One day a blonde, burnette, and a red head found a genie bottle while hiking. The blonde rubbed it,and out popped a genie.
He said, "I will grant you each 1 wish" The genie also stated that you have to jump off the moutian while making your wish.
So the burnette went first. "I wish I was a bird" so she jumped off the cliff and turned into a beautiful bird and fly away.
The red head went next. "I wish I was an angle" So she jumped off the cliff and turned into a lovely angle and fly away.
Now it was the blonde's turn as she was making the wish she fell off the cliff and yelled,"s**t!" so she turned into a pile of smelly s**t!
18. Sex Of The Babies
A blonde, brunette and a red-head where sitting in the doctors office discussing what the sex of their babies might be.
The brunette says "I am going to have a boy because I was on top during sex".
The red-head says "I am going to have a girl becuase I was underneath during sex".
The blonde stands up and yells "OH MY GOD! ... I AM GOING TO HAVE PUPPIES!!!!"
 Caged Demon666 · Fri Aug 04, 2006 @ 07:44pm · 0 Comments |
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