So I finally got switched out of chemistry, and they're also not counting my "failing" grades.
Today everything really hit me. Not that I didn't know it before, but it all came at once. I'm a junior and a lot of my friends are seniors, which means that they'll be leaving soon and then I will. I can see all of it happening already, and it makes me sad, but I know I will have to do something with that last year of mine. I'm scared of college, but I'm even more afraid of my friends leaving for college, because I don't want to lose touch with such amazing, heartwarming people. My life has been...nothing, it's really just been nothing but s**t from others and me hurting myself to get away, until I came here. I never thought I'd have friends this close, they're family to me, and I know that I can count on them if I need to. And while last year I did some stupid s**t, I realize that they're still my friends, and that is more than I could ever ask for. It's really hard to explain what kind of life I've had, and I really won't begin to, but it certainly wasn't good. Far from. However, I am still proud of it, because without it, I wouldn't be who I am today. And, although I am still learning, because I never really got a chance to, I finally feel like I mean something to somebody, and I'm going to try to make up for the departure of such great and astounding people. Even though I don't know what it will really be like yet, because I can still call them and all, I do know that I will try my hardest at whatever obstacles are set in front of me, because I finally have something to strive for.
I also started thinking about schools today, and how they unite you, but rip your heart to shreds. I really don't understand why we have to go at all. I understand why we should take something that's a notch above the bare fundamentals, but I'm not going to use a lot of the stuff I'm learning, because I want to hone my studies on other things, and learn independently along the way. I've always been independent, even if I do sometimes leave a mess in my footsteps, and, regardless if it happens or not, I just can't have anyone controlling me so much. I pretty much do everything at home on my own time, and even though my mom will tell me to do it, it's definitely not taken into consideration most of the time. I believe that you can get somewhere by who you are, what you can do, and who you intend to be. Of course, you really should know things beforehand, but paths should be taken on a personal level. I've almost always talked to the main person of any problem I've had, really, and I think it helps if you get to know the person and get a better understanding, but not all the time, of course.
Which brings me to English yesterday. We were discussing manhood. Now, there are two different versions of manhood, and I think of the general one, rather than the male-exclusive. So we were to write our opinion on what manhood was, what a failure was, and could someone always be a failure. While most of the class went on with the all too common stereotypes and slightly independent views about standards, I went on to say that manhood is when you realize life for what it is, what you can do with it, and what you can do to reach that/those goal(s). The teacher called these high standards, but really everyone has a different view, and are their own unique person, regardless of what they do with themselves, so they're not really standards. While everyone talked about how a failure was someone who gives up or just fails it in general, I went on to say that a failure is someone who says they can't without even trying, or just doesn't try at all. A failure is someone who lets themselves fail. And if someone is a "failure," they don't always have to be. I also said that you're only a failure if [you do the above and/or] someone calls you one and you let that judge yourself for you. If you don't know anything about snowboarding, and you try anyway, regardless if you fall or not, you get props for trying, and there's nothing wrong there. But if you throw a fit and curse everything, that takes props from you. If someone told you that you failed at snowboarding, you don't have to believe that yourself. Sure, it's obvious you're not a great snowboarder, but if you think that you aren't a failure, and that you at least gave it a shot, even if it wasn't in your field of expertise, then you are not a failure. But that doesn't mean you shouldn't "give up," or rather, realize your strengths and weaknesses. If you keep trying at snowboarding, sure, you might get better, but if you're really just not getting it, then it's time to move on to something else. This doesn't make you a bad person, and there's nothing wrong with it, there's just a lot more you could be doing/trying, and it's obvious that the current decision isn't working. This doesn't all apply to every case, of course, and I'm well aware of the many exceptions. But the other things I said, when I really took a stand against the entire class, was that if you are stripped bare of your dignity and pride, and you just let it go, your name is worthless. If you struggle to survive, even when the lights are turned out, you are not a failure, and anyone who says so is only hurting themselves. (Of course, this does not mean you should have a big ego and all, but confidence, pride and dignity). When the discussion of men and women arose, obviously the stereotypes were once again mentioned, and some slightly exceptional output. But I said that if you look outside of the plastic, Barbie cookie cutter image, not every man sits on a recliner all day, watching football as the woman cooks. Not everyone has a two story house with a garage, along with kids and a dog. It's blatantly obvious that there are a plethora of exceptions out there, and the world is of an entirely different light than the "American dream." When I said this, though, I was lacking support from the class, and was speaking all on my own while a couple of kids laughed at me. I can speak my opinion, but if I'm singled out like that, I get a little bit shaky. Not to the point that I'll stop, but it gets a little bit harder for me.
And while I find it pointless to be typing all of this, I feel as though someone should encourage it, and if it's me alone, then so be it. I've been told, both indirectly and directly that I am a person who corrupts young peoples' minds, and/or that I am a bad person before. As far as I can recall, aside from when I am put with sheltered people, my Uncle and father are the only ones to say that to me, and I think that explains a lot. I will admit that I want a lot of material items in life, but I don't think I need them, and therefore find it easy to move on.
__________________________________________
Theme: Both parents and children lie to each other.
My plot: Child A is drawing a picture for his mother so he can feel important, or whatever, when child B asks him what he's drawing. Child A says it's nothing (child-child). Child B wants to see and starts tugging on it. Child A doesn't want to let it go, so finally the drawing rips, and child B is flung backward, bumping into a pillar upon which rests a vase. The vase falls and cracks, cutting child B's neck, and the noise catches the mother's attention. The mother comes rushing in and sees the mess, and then asks child A what happened. Child A tells his mother that Child B tripped and fell (Child-mother). The mother takes child B to the hospital, and later divorces the father because she's afraid of child A, thinking he might have had something to do with this, and takes child B into her custody. However, she doesn't tell child A nor the father this, but instead blames it on "things not working out." (Mother-father, mother-child). So what once started out as children rivalry/horseplay soon led to the division of a family.
Their plot: The father gives the mother a special vase for her birthday. Child A and child B are playing, child B knocks over the vase, and child A blames it on the dog (child-parents), so the mother simply says that it wasn't expensive nor important, so they shouldn't worry (mother-children). Then later they take the dog to the pound because of it.
The kids in my group thought my plot was too "crazy" and "long" for something that has to be 20 lines minimum for a small skit, and they basically just looked treated me like a psycho, and went back to their weak plot that had not even half as many lines and continued to add complete nonsense to make it longer (ie. Taking the dog to the pound), but my English teacher really liked it a lot. I just wish some people could see how strong some plots are, even if they sound confusing at first, until you write them down.ew
The compromise: At the end, the parents drift a bit apart because of the trust issues.
![[.Panda-monium.]](https://a1cdn.gaiaonline.com/dress-up/avatar/ava/e4/d2/cf91d9e45d2e4.png?t=1193925186_6.00_00 "[.Panda-monium.]")
