|
Aching
For a long time, I've found myself to be plagued by emotions that I can't explain. Emotions that loom over my shoulder and feed on my every feeling. These feelings seem so familiar and its that familiarity that brings back the same pain, hurt, and hate as before. I've tried for so long to hide these feeling so that they would never come back to haunt me again. It was these emotions that would plague me late at night and make me question everything about me, around me, and everything else to do with anything. I have memories of the pain haunting me as I stained my pillow with tears of comfort that flowed with no end in sight. I felt myself crying and crying desperately hoping to find some sort of comfort. Nothing ever came. I would fall asleep, my tear stained face looking up to my window waiting for the angel I knew would never come. The angel of comfort that would take me up into hands of beautiful grace and understanding, but that was just a false nighttime hope that would never be fulfilled. I ran and ran trying to find my own understanding, my own way to explain, my own way to know that I had meaning as far as existence. Instead I would only find dead ends that would leave me empty, broken, and hurt. Unfortunately I was, and still am, young and foolish, I believed that if I kept trying eventually something would come to me, like the divine miracle that I had always forced myself to believe in. When nothing would come up I told myself, all in due time, all in due time. Naturally that all went away and left me back to the same hurt, painful, broken feeling. I wonder why I'm here and what exactly is it that I am so desperately searching for. I don't like coming back to this feeling, because it always leads back to the same end. I want to break this cycle, I want to find the answer, I want to know what is this feeling, this mysterious emotion that does this to me, I want to end and stop the pain and fix myself and relieve me of this unbearable feeling that leaves me dead. This feeling that leaves me, Aching.
|
