Last night I talked to an old, well I don't know if I can say we were friends, friend on msn and yea. Well to tell you I really liked him when we were between the ages of 10-14 and well he was all, "Girl's are icky!" back then but a couple of months ago I called him bc he was bugging me best friend and all. Well when we were younger he had a huge crush on her and she well didn't have one back. So we chatted and stuff, but the thing is we're grown up now and not kids anymore.....well I'm more of a kid than back then but anywho, so he asked me, "Hey didn't you have a crush on me waaaaay back when?" I told him maybe which I find now to be totally childish god I'm stupidly childish to play games like that. Anywho, I asked him, "and didn't you hate me?" he blamed it on the icky I hate girls years of a boys life. At the same time I was talking to me best friend Elle and she's all, "He sooo likes you!" I said umm no he don't then she asked me if I liked him and I think I shall leave that matter where it is. So anyways he's all how you liking cali and I told him it is a hellhole and ate my soul! lol Then he sneaks in the well you should move back comment! umm I really wanna go back home though bc I miss Colorado and the mountains and plains and all the big buildings in Denver, Six Flags and the highways the overlap each other and the endless cars! *sigh* Oh yea I am a city girl..tehe! Me old "friend" was telling me how much it would take to get an apartment bc I was thinking of moving and having Elle as me roomie! She's soo great and yea but what if she decides to get married?? Then what?? Yea weird comment I know but she's closer to getting married than I am, then again I am immature and childish and need to focus more on me education than some boy! *sigh* But it would be nice to have someone to do things with and chill and yea *uck* ackies I am so lame. I really need to move away and maybe somewhere in the UK so I can write, just a pipedream though. Maybe I should apply to CU or CSU or the Institute of Art in Colorado. I am soo tired of learning though I just wanna go on a vacation and see the endless road stretch before the hands of time and carry me away on the journey of life. I'm permanantly at a truck stop. lol I hate truck stops they suck and all the ppl that stop there are grotesque fags! lol I imagined meeting my "friend" the other day, what we'd say, how we'd react.........I guess in a way my feeling for him have been laying dorment for a long time ever since he moved to Arizona when he was 14. He's really strange and doesn't laugh easily and I'm one to make ppl laugh I love making ppl happy bc to be sad is to lay in a shrowd of darkness....believe me I've been there, it hurts. Last night I was listening to my music and waiting for my mom to get out of Statistics. I closed my eyes for a moment and could feel this I guess you could call it spirit just standing there uncomfortably close but it wasn't scary just wierd. oh that reminds me I was standing by my front door one night and all of the sudden this small wind blew against my neck from the front and there was no open doors or windows and the fan wasn't on. Scared the shizzle outta me. Stupid spirits are getting stronger. So the concert is tomorrow and I really am kinda unnerved bc I hate the person I'm going with and I know that he likes me bc he is constantly asking, "Wanna ride home?" "Wanna go get lunch?" "Wanna do something?" "Busy this weekend?" "Come to my softball teams game!"..........*stare* stare scream Why do I get losers for ppl? I am soo using him bc I am hungry and I love Hoobastank! He likes me bc I don't like him and totally fight with him and call him shithead and f*****t and yea, I guess to him I'm playing hard to get but damn this is hard to keep up bc I really don't like him that way GOD NOOOOO! I would rather jump off of the Empire State building than...........yea you know. Why do all the ppl I like live so damn far away?????? My friend Katelyn is getting baptized Sunday and I'm sooo happy bc she is the best! I love her! She talked to my mom and told her some stuff about church and the ppl there. There is this girl that hates me there and is a b***h whenever she can be but so far I've tried to be her friend and then just ignored her comments. Well ppl in the church really like me and come to find out they are really not liking this girl bc she is such a b***h to me and I looked back at all the ppl that I know and that have come in contact with and realize that they do like me. In small ways they are nice to me and try to get to know me more. I was in Relief Society on Sunday and ppl I like sat next to me and ppl that I didn't even know liked me sat next to me. I bore my testimony after class and I realize now that maybe if I just attend more and go to more activities I could have so many new friends. But there is this nagging at the back of my mind that in some way I am just acting and fooling them all like I'm not playing Jaycee but Righteous Jaycee bc Jaycee is totally different! I'm not the norm of the ppl in my church I go against the grain of their standards and do things that they shame ppl for. I've always hated church and the ppl when I was young but in a way I am scared to like them....scared to like myself and who I am bc I'm not who I should be. I'm not a great example to those around me and I have so many problems and unresolved feelings. I'm writing a personal journal at home and have kept it up for 3 months now (mostly bc I missed gaia this one weekend and needed to write down my feelings). I am a writer but my past keeps rearing it's ugly head at me, what I did, the ppl I associated myself with and how I felt about myself. I'm not the type of person God wants me to be and I keep telling him that I am mad at him, for all the bad things and stuff. It's not his fault but it still hurts to feel that way. I hate that he keeps sending me messages through others telling me I'm loved and what I should do. I never noticed how much he did till this weekend the testimonies ppl bore at church really struck me and even conference two weeks ago was like talking to me. I hate it, I don't want to talk to God I don't want to talk to him bc he is my father in heaven and I feel like I was used and it hurts. He knows my pain and I don't care. He knows my thoughts and I don't care. If I were to come face to face with him I would walk away. It hurts but I am a shameful person and full of shameful deeds. I walk around and talk to ppl at church like I'm such a righteous ninny.
SuperKunt Community Member 
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