Behind Closed Eyes
I'm sick of seeing your face
When I close my eyes.
I'm sick of being so close to death
And yet being unable to die.
I'm sick of crying at night,
Wishing my dream could come true;
Wishing you here, but you
Robbed me of that too.
I'm running away from you
And I'd slit my f*cking wrists
Before I ever came back,
Ever brought myself back to this.
You gave me false hope,
Gave me poisoned bread.
It's funny, 'cause
As soon as I thought of "us"
I was already dead.
So, you fed me your bread
And you fed me your lies.
And when I lay dying, you
Ignored all my cries.
I saw you smile, and you
Went right back to enjoying yourself.
All those good memories we had
You threw right back up on the shelf.
A wise man once said, "What
Doesn't kill you makes you
Stronger," to me.
But he couldn't imagine how vicious,
Supremely malicious,
Someone like you could be
To someone like me.
So I'm writing these words with
The reflection of hate in my eyes.
They've got to get down,
Before the fire inside dies
And expires,
And my heart grows so cold
When I think of you,
So I'm going to say:
I'm sick of your love, and
I'm going away.
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Written With a Shattered Hand
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Phantom_Shogun
Community Member |
User Comments: [1] [add]
User Comments: [1] [add]
Community Member
I'm sick of seeing your face
when I close my eyes.
I'm sick of being so close to death,
yet unable to die. The words "and" and "yet" are both conjunctions; you only need one. I took out "And" and "being". The "being" does not sound correct grammatically.
I'm sick of crying at night,
wishing my dream could come true;
wishing you here, but you
robbed me of that too.
I'm running away from you,
and I'd slit my f*cking wrists
before I ever came back, I'm confused. Does this line and the next line pretty much say the same thing? I'm not sure if I understand or follow your train of thought here...
ever brought myself back to this.
You gave me false hope,
gave me poisoned bread.
It's funny, 'cause
as soon as I thought of "us",
I was already dead.
So, you fed me your bread,
and you fed me your lies. I think the repetition of "you fed me" bit is not at all effective.
And when I lay dying, you This stanza has too many "and"'s.
ignored all my cries.
I saw you smile, and you
went right back to enjoying yourself.
All those good memories we had,
you threw right back up on the shelf.
A wise man once said, "What
doesn't kill you makes you
stronger" to me.
But he couldn't imagine how vicious,
supremely malicious Comma deleted.
someone like you could be
to someone like me.
So I'm writing these words with
the reflection of hate in my eyes.
They've got to get down Comma deleted.
before the fire inside dies
and expires,
and my heart grows so cold
when I think of you,
so I'm going to say:
I'm sick of your love, and
I'm going away.
General Comments:
1. Please do not capitalize every line of the poem. Capitalize the way you would write sentences.
2. You had a lot of problems with punctuation, particularly the commas (which I highlighted in red).
3. I do not particularly enjoy the rhyming scheme in this poem. It sounds too forced and weak; it's more obvious when I started reading the last 3 stanzas.
4. You've done a lot of telling instead of showing throughout the entire poem. Poetry is art. You have to show us through the use of imagery, figurative language, sensory detail, poetic devices, and/or personal experiences if need be what the overall theme/message of the poem is. Some examples:
- Stanzas 1 and 2: "Sick". Define, explain, expand, and describe.
- Stanza 5: "lies". What lies? Expand, explain, and describe. We, as readers, wouldn't know.
- Stanza 7: Okay, this significant other is "malicious" and "vicious". How and why? Expand and describe please.
Because of the lack of these poetic elements and devices, you offer no tangibility for the reader to grasp the things in the poem, rendering them abstract and ineffective.
5. A lot of what you have written are cliches and sound emo and a bit too dramatic. For example, when you mention the slitting wrists part... That's a bit overrated, unless if you can be more creative with your word choice. Examples of cliches: "fed me your lies", "so close to death", "when I lay dying", "false hope", etc., etc. All of these cliches are just too much and unrealistic, especially the "dying" parts in this poem. I doubt that anyone would believe that--unless you can write it creatively and poetically without sounding too emo, cliche, or dramatic. Also, you can use cliches if you have a clever way to write them and expand on them, but as they stand in the poem, they won't work.
6. I don't see how the title of the poem reflects the content of the poem (and vice versa). Please select a different one.
7. I strongly URGE you to read the OP/L's sticky notes as your guide in writing poetry. It'll come in handy, especially the poetic elements that you need for this poem.