I feel sorry for homeless gay people; they have no cloest to come out of. In fact, I imagine if you were gay and homeless, you'd probably be glad just to have a closet.

Rarely does a loose woman have a tight p***y.

Test of metal: Will of Iron, Nerves of steel, Heart of gold, Balls of brass.

If you love someone, set them free; if they come home, set them on fire.

There are two pips in a beaut, four beauts in a lulu, eight lulus in a doozy, and sixteen doozies in a humdinger. No one knows how many humdingers there are in a lollapolooza.

I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.

What is the plural of "A hell of a guy"? "Hells of guys"?

Just think, right now, as you read this, some guy somewhere is getting ready to hang himself.

When you buy a six-foot d***o, and call it a marital aid, you are stretching not just the anatomy, but the limits of crediliity.

The child molester skipped breakfast, but said he'd grab a little something on the way to work.

Someone once said to me, "Make yourself a sandwich." Well, if I could make myself a sandwich, I wouldn't make myself a sandwich. I'd make myself a horny, 18-year-old billionaire.

Things You Never Hear: "Please stop sucking my d**k or I'll call the police."

Intelligence tests are biased towards the literate.

My definition of bad luck: Catching AIDS from a Quaker.

How can crash course and collision course have different meanings?

Sometimes I sit for hours weighing the fine distinctions among spunk, pluck, balls, nerve, chutzpah, gall, and, moxie.