Alter and Change are supposed to be synonyms, but altering you trousers and changing your trousers are quite different things.

Threatening postcard: "Wish you were here, but if you come here I will kill you!"

I wanted to be a Boy Scout, but I had all the wrong traits. There were looking for kids who were trustworthy, loyal, helpful, friendly, courteous, kind, obedient, cheerful, thrifty, brave, clean, and reverent. Whereas I tended to be devious, fickle, obstructive, hostile, impolite, mean, defiant, glum, extravagant, cowardly, dirty, and sacrilegious.

We are all precancerous.

I have come up with a single sentence that includes all of the seven deadly sins: greed, anger, pride, lust, gluttony, sloth, and envy. Here it is "It enrages me that I, a clearly superior person, should have less money than my neighbor, whose wife I would love to ******** if I weren't so busy eating pork chops and sleeping all day."

I've always wanted to place a personal ad no one would answer: "Elderly, depressed, accident-prone junkie, likes Canadian food and Welsh music, seeking rich, well-built, oversexed, female deaf mute in here late teens. Must be nonsmoker.

I enjoy going to a party at one of the Kennedy's homes, dropping to the floor, and yelling. "Hit the deck, he's got a gun!"

Life is a Near-Death experience.

Never tell a Spanish maid you want everything to be s**c-and-span.

When blowing out your birthday candles, suppose you wish for one candle to stay lit? Is it possible for your wish to come true?

The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life.

Don't get your cortex caught in a vortex.

Tomorrow is very much like today, except it's not here yet.

I admire a man who drives clear across town to a distant shopping center where no one knows him and he rides all afternoon on the children's coin-operated "horsie."

My fondest wish is that I learn to write a capital "X" in longhand without lifting the pen from the paper.

Does God really have to watch all this s**t?