Long before man discovered fire, he had sand and water to put it out with.

Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that, apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second best policy. Second is not all that bad.

We use the sun to make electricity, and then we use the electricity to operate sun lamps and tanning machines.

I'm unusual in one respect. My lucky number is 541,633.

Preparation H is also goof for a fat lip.

I'll bet you and I are allot alike. Did you ever get together with a bunch of people and hang someone? Isn't it awful? You just want the guy's body to stop spasming. Every time I do it, I say, "This is absolutely the last time I'm doin' this." And still I go back.

Prefix has no suffix, but Suffix has a prefix.

If a really stupid person becomes senile, how can you tell?

Mrs. Goodwrench is a lesbian.

I enjoy making people feel uncomfortable. Walking down the jetway to board my plane I'll often turn to a stranger and say. "Boy, I sure hope we don't crash into a cornfield today. If do go down in flames, I hope we hit some houses. Or a school."

Have you ever become suddenly, intensely aware of your legs?

Remember, inside every silver lining there's a dark cloud.

Where is this Christo when I need something wrapped at Christmas?

I'm not worried about guns in school. You know what I'm waitin' for? Guns in church! That's gunna be a lotta fun.

Santa is Satan spelled inside out.

Singing is basically a form of pleasant, controlled screaming.

A deaf-mute carrying two large suitcases has rendered himself speechless.