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I decided to start this journal today, originally to become a better master, but as I think about it, as I think about tthe ddebate that I got into last night, I think I finally have a complete understanding of what it is to be a master.

There is more to being a master then puffing out your chest and giving commands. Last night I was looking up stuff to improve my mastership, and I came across a Gorean site, now I don't agree with everything the goreans do, but there was a few things on this site that really made me think.

On the main page of this site they had pointers o nbeing a good master. the one that struck me the most was "Master yourself befor3e you try and master another. " As a master, I have to be ontop of everything I do. I have to know everything about myself, I have to know where I stand on everything. I have to thrive to be a better person then I was when I woke up, I have to be stronger, smarter, quicker, etc.

It's this kind of dedication that draws me into the community. These people, who are looked down on by society, are so dedicated to improving who they are and could care less about what society thinks. These people want to; first improve themselves, Second, to earn the respect of their subs, or to be recognized by their master.

I think that this dedication, and the trust and respect that they share for each other, is what attracts me to the community the most. For me, it started as a S/M fetish, but now, after talking to a few people that live the BDSM and Gorean lifestyle, I feel a drive for more then just bedroom antiques. I want to have the dedication like Master Barton, to do anything to improve the life of those that serve under me, and I want to earn the respect like that of master Banthors servant shows him.

I feel like I've really turned something over tdaty. I finally have something that makes me want to do better. With all this in mind, I finally want to get my grades up, I finally want to pay attention to my teachers, I finally want to get my license, want to get a job, want to get out and meet new people, wnt to beat my body to make it my minds slave, want to torment my mind for the sake of doing better.... I just hope that this is finally some true inspiration and not just me having a "good day".

I just hope all ths actually means something, and is moer then just my psycobabble. Come to think of it, I planned on this being a big secretive journal, sometihng, that's for my eyes only. But I think I'm going to give this to Andy. hell she's shown me enough of her deepest thoughts, and I know she wishes I'd talk more. But truth be told I've never really ahd much to say, I spend so much time sleepwalking anymore that I haven't really had any thoughts worth sharing. I'm tired of walking around all day with my biggest concern being when can I catch some shut eye, or havw am I going to dstract my mind tonight. I look back at the past few months, and can't help but laugh at myself. Sure I've gotten better, but I've been living a pathetic life.