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I got a little distracted yesterday, actually found a good roleplay on furcadia, which is becoming such a rare gem anymore. But I wish I would have writte. I stayed home from school yesterday, was feeling ok and al, but I spent the entire day thining, because honestly, I don't think I've mastered myself just yet, and alot of things are happening that are really making me think.

I guess I'll just start in theorder that things were brought to my attention. The main issue that occupied my mind yesterday was the control a master has over his servant. There are three main branches of an under in these types of relationships (These might be a little different depending on who you talk to, but these are my understandings on them.). A submissive, which is a person who enjoys being physicly and sometimes mentally beaten. But shares no define loyalty to her master beyond that of a normal relationship. A pet, which is probably the most common type of under. A pet enjoys the same type of actions as a sub. but feels loyal and wants to please her master so that her master will please her.A pet shows more devotion to her master then the sub, but most of the time when the master is out of sight he is also out of mind. The last type is a slave. People involved in a slave and master relationship is also said to be in a total control relationship. The slave gives her master evertyhing, a person becomes a slave not when she admits a man as her master, but when she pictures herself as her masters property. In her mind her master owns her body, her thoughts, her personal space and time, even her posessions are viewed as items her master allows her to have. This relationship is often called a total control relationship because the slave will make every decision in her life picking the option that she believes will please her master the most.

Now before I begin disecting these relationships I'm just going to say that I don't see any of these as wrong, but I am simply trying to find out which one is right for me. I don't think either of the three would be my choice, there's aspects of each one that appeal to me. But if I had to pick between those three it would probably be the pet. I wouldn't be able to participate in a pure sub relationship, because to me a sub is no more then a ******** buddy, someone to play with and have no feelings for, which I would not be able to embrace because of my religious views.

The level of control that I'd be most comfortable with would be somewhere between pet and slave, leaning more towards slave. I like the slave relationship for many reasons. First off I like the dedication that both sides show to each other, more so the slave. For someone to trust another so much to where she gives her complete being to is amazing to me. I would not be able to get into a TCR (total control relationship) simply because I don't want to date myself. Yes I want to have a heavy influence on her decisions, and haveing her do as I say even if she doesn't agree with me is always a plus, but not something I'm going to be upset about if it's absent. All in all I do want her to be her own person. I don't want her to simply be some regirgitated version of myself.

Ultimitly the decision is not mine alone. More then anything I want her to be happy with our relationship. And despite how much I've ranted about all this if she didn't want any part in this then I would be perfetly ok with it, I don't NEED this to be happy. So I guess the next step in this is to talk to her about it. To figure out what eactly she wants from me as a master or better yet a boyfriend, and hopefully in a few years, a husband.

The next topic I'm going to rant about is still dealing with the whole bdsm lifestyle, it's been on my mind alot lately so it's probably going to cover a few weeks of this journal. But anyways I need to sit down and see just what a collar means to myself. I know, some of you are probably rolling on the floor now, but seriously, just about every master presents his servant with a collar, but what does it stand for and mean that'd make so many follow this tradition? If you ask any other master what the collar means for them, they will most likely reply that the collar is a sign that they have power over it's wareer. But as I think into it more the collar to me is not simply a show of power, but a sign of acceptance. When an under wares her collar she is showing that she is dedicated to her master, that she's not afraid to admit her lifestyle, or that she calls another master. But in turn when someone bares a collar for you it is a sign to everyone else that she is your's back off, don't touch, and also that you are responsible for anything she does.

While I'm on the tangent about the collar I guess I'll discuss why I brought it up and what stirred this within me. About a week ago I 'officially' collared my sub. It was nothing fancy seeing as I'm underage, not having sex, and don't have the cash to actually go out and get a fancy collar. But either way I obtained a collar and presented it to her. I told her that she didn't HAVE to ware it around her family, or at school, but when we went out I wanted her to ware it. Now I don't mind her not wareing it around her family, no I don't want to hide this from my family, but I would prefer to wait until I'm out of the house before revealing this. But I kinda would prefer if she wore it to school. I know I have no right getting mad at her for not, which I haven't, but I kinda wanted her to want to ware it as much as she could. I'm not going to tell her to ware it more often, because I want to see if I can get her to ware it on her own accord. But if the collar means more to me then it does to her then I don't think this is going to happen. I'm afraid that to her, this collar is something that she sees as a tool used to get me in the mood. But really I look at this collar probably the same way she looks at her promise ring..... I know it sounds stupid, but it's the way I feel. I can laugh at it and the ill logic behind it, but I can't change it X-D

the last major thing that I can think about ranting on tonight would be how stuff like this, this lifestyle, this fetish, this addiction is just that. It's an addiction that is easily spread throughout people. It started out for me as something that me and my sub did behind closed doors, just as something personal with us during our alone time. But then as I discovered it was more of a lifestyle things started to progress. For starters I didn't really care who found out about it. My friends all know about it, some random people that have been listening at school know about it, the only ones I'm worried about finding out is my parents, I don't have any problem if they find out.... Just wait a few more months until I'm out of the house X-D Anyways a few of my friends found out about it, and well they poked some fun at me for it, but nothing really happened, no major drama besides one friend who informed me I was ******** up in the head and needed prefessional help, but hey, who doesn't? Anyways I got my girlfriend into it obviously, but then a few of her friends now think that whips and chains are fun, they're not into the whole lifestyle thing but they often dig out my toys when they come over and going off on each other. But then I got my best friend heavily addicted. He planned on getting into the lifestyle with his girlfriend who expressed interest in it as well. But they broke up because of some other issues so now he's all "I neeeeed a master" And going online looking for someone to dom him.... It's kinda scary, the thought of him going out and looking around for some random people to own him >.< I trust him and all, but I'm starting to wonder if I should have just kept my mouth shut about all this. Either way I feel as if I need to watch his back on this.... seeing as I got him into it shouldn't I? I believe so, but then again all I can really do is offer him my advice, he doesn't need to take it or anything. which kinda complicates things even more. Anyways that's all I have to rant about now, two days of bickering in that one, we'll see what happens and how things play out I guess.