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I was just sitting there with my mouth hanging open. Married?!? I looked over at the others to see that they had the same facial expression as I did. Finally, Frank broke the silence,
“You’re getting married?”
“Mmmhm,” Gerard replied with a smug look on his face. “Lyn-Z and I talked about doing it on the last day of Projekt Rev.”
Then I just couldn’t take it anymore. I got up and ran into my room, closing and locking (oh thank god for the lock!) the door behind me. It felt like I was losing my dad. We haven’t hung out together in forever because he was always with Lyn-Z. I mean, I was glad they loved each other so much and I was happy for them, but it seemed like I wasn’t important anymore. I’d already lost my mother, I didn’t even remember her very well which bothered me a lot. I felt like crying but held the tears back. I couldn’t cry, I wouldn’t cry, I’m not supposed to cry! I’m supposed to be happy for Gerard and Lyn-Z. But I couldn’t help but let a few tears fall down my cheeks. I wished I didn’t. I didn’t want to feel this way, I wanted to be happy. Gerard was always lonely and he took the split with Eliza pretty hard. I couldn’t say that I was that sad though, she was a b***h. Gah, I felt so selfish right now. A knock on my door interrupted my thoughts.
“What?” I half snapped, half cried.
“Bella, it’s me, can I come in?” Gerard asked from the other side of the door.
“Go away,” I said burying my face in my pillow. I didn’t want to be rude, but I really didn’t feel like talking right now.
“Please Bella, at least let me know what’s wrong.” I ignored him.
“Please Annabelle.” I gave in. Still silent, I got up from my bed and wrenched the door open to reveal Gerard with a very confused and concerned look on his face. Then I spilled my guts out.
“You want to know what’s wrong? What’s wrong is that ever since you had gotten with Lyn-Z, you haven’t ever spent time with me anymore.” I paused as I sat on the bed and Gerard joined me, closing the door behind him. Then I continued. “I feel like I don’t exist to you anymore. I mean, I’m happy for you guys and she is a really nice woman and I’m glad you guys are happy together but I just… I don’t know… I just feel like I don’t matter anymore. I’ve literally hung out with everyone on this tour but you this whole entire time. I guess I just miss being around you and telling you everything and you telling me everything and all that kind of stuff.” There, that was everything that I had bottled up over the weeks squeezed into about two minutes. Skilled, I know.
“Oh sweetie, I’m sorry,” Gerard said after a moment of silence and hugging me. I hugged back. “I guess I just got a bit carried away with her and I was just so psyched that I finally found someone that I loved and was ready to spend the rest of my life with. I didn’t realize that I was hurting you and I’m so sorry. It’s hard to explain, but when you grow older and you fall in love, you’ll know what I mean. It’s feels like you’ve found this other half of you that you’ve never had but always wanted. But I want you to remember that no matter who I date or who I hang out with, I will always love you will all my heart and nobody can ever change that.” That was just beautiful. I had already forgiven him and I could tell that he knew that. So we just lay on my bed together for a while, silent, but enjoying each other’s presence, which I hadn’t done, in a long time.
“I really missed times like this though, just laying around with you, even if we’re not talking. I mean, I haven’t been with you for practically the whole summer! And I’ve watched The Nightmare Before Christmas with Frank 26 times now. I find that rather sad.” He laughed at that last part.
“You counted?”
“Yep,” I replied proudly.
“Haha, wow.”
“Yep yep.” There was another silence.
“Oh! Ray and Frankie taught me how to play Mama on guitar! Lead AND rhythm!!”
“Oooh, cool! Can you show me?”
“Okay, but just to warn you, I suck.”
“Oh come on, you can’t suck as much as me!”
“Oh yes, I think I can.”
“Well, show me first, then we can decide.”
“Okie dokie then.” So Gerard and I tipped-toed quietly into Ray’s room next door where he was sleeping, grabbed the nearest guitar, then darted out as quickly and quietly as possible. We came back into my room and shut the door. We both sat down on my bed and I started playing the opening chords for Mama, which meant that I was playing the lead part. I played through the song as best as I could, messing up here and there but it at least sounded like Mama.
“Wow, that was really good! Considering you’ve never played before this…” Gerard said after I had finished.
“Yeah, Frank and Ray are good teachers… Especially because they wrote the song… But I still think I suck.”
“Nah, you don’t suck, I suck.
“Play something!” I demanded, handing him the guitar and he played what I thought was a song but couldn’t quite tell what it was. I thought it kind of sounded like Today by The Smashing Pumpkins. Figures.
“Okay, Dad, no offense or anything, but that did kind of suck…”
“Haha, see! I told you!”
“Yeah, yeah, whatever.”
 xXxAndIfTheyGetMexXx · Mon Dec 31, 2007 @ 06:04am · 1 Comments |
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