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Yesterday Thursday Jan 10

My good friend Robert killed himself last night. My friends and I were allowed to stay out of class. It was so painful to hear it. The way he talked the day before. It all just seems so unreal.

There was a part of me that knew though. All I had to do was see Lisa crying and I knew. No one had to tell me.

We stayed and talked about everything. Time it just wasn't going forward. I tried hard not to cry, at some point I became one of the most upset people there. Even now I can not stop from crying. He was so scary the day before. I was one of the last people he talked to other then maybe his family. He said he would try to come to school. I didn't know what to think or say. I had a bad feeling, I thought nothing of it though. He has ran away before so that’s what I thought he was getting at. He was in jail before December and just got of tracking that day.

I learned about his family over time. He had a really bad home life. His dad was at war. The only member he got along with well. His uncle died at war, there are three other members there too.

He told me on the way home from school that some days he wanted to put a gun to his head and pull the trigger.

Seeing all the people there I knew he was really loved. He said he new people cared but it wasn't enough.

He txted me at 4:20

"I took ur advice I wrote down what I'll leave behind."

"I mean it is worth it to leave and were I'm going I can't keep in touch"

"Good bye"

"I'm leaving this life take care of Kyle and Lisa for me"

I told everyone that. I couldn't help but cry. I found out I was one of the 4 people that got txt messages. The others I don't know who are what the txt said.

I hated the fact that it happened but the hole time I was thankful for everyone. All the support and how everyone was caring so much. Cory had to be the biggest help. He listened and was just so great. He went out of his way to make me feel loved.

Many, almost everyone could tell at least something big was going to happen. I had a feeling I wouldn't see him again. My gut told me so. I saw flashes of him there, died even before I knew. What is worse is many still have that feeling and know something else is going to happen.

I felt sick I needed to eat. My mom was so nice she brought everyone food. Half a cheese hamburger from burger king. Many other parents brought in food too. It made us feel so much better. The first light hearted talk.

I learned so much about my friends too. Alex had a friend age 6 kill him self. Alex had to dig his grave because his friend had no one else. Cory nearly killed him self when he was young not because he wanted to die though. Rachel told her story too.

The school I hate them all. The kids at school laughed at the fact he was died, they told jokes. I wanted them to all drown.

The teachers thank God was so good. They gave us use of the upper commends and let us use ipods and cell phones. Gave us time to heal, no classes for his friends. A few people just used it to get out of class. That hurt, I loved Robert so much but people only think of them selves.

By 5 period the teachers wanted all of us to go to class. Time to think about something else, that’s good but I didn't go. Nick and I stayed in the center. He was to pissed at everyone for the jokes. He was afraid that he would hit someone and wanted to help me.

We talked for three hours about all the little things. Like the song I couldn't get out of my head walking to school before.....Seconds by U2

"Takes a second to say goodbye, say goodbye
Oh, oh, oh, say bye-bye.
Where you going to now?
Lightning flashes across the sky
East to West, do and die.
Like a thief in the night, see the world by candlelight.
Fall, rise and...

In an apartment on Times Square
You can assemble them anywhere.
Held to ransom, hell to pay
A revolution every day.
U.S.S.R., G.D.R., London, New York, Peking.
It's the puppets, it's the puppets pull the strings, yeah.

It takes a second to say goodbye
Say goodbye, oh, oh, oh.
Push the button and pull the plug
Say goodbye, oh, oh, oh.


And they're doing the atomic bomb
Do they know where the dance comes from?
Yes they're doing the atomic bomb
They want you to sing along."

I'm keeping tissues by me from school. A friend wrote "Robert we love you and It's hard four us to handle this.

He always happy in my eyes. No one at all thought he would ever do this. He never once gave any hint of it till the day before. I still can see his wonderful smile.

I'm in to much pain to cry any more.
One shot to end it all.
Nothing to say.