People sometimes ask me, how did I ascend into the state of unGodly awesomeness I'm in now...
The answer, my useless Plebian peons, is simple, and requires big insulting words.
You see, as a young tadpole my mother would beat me with large sacks of potatoes, to build character.
Well one fine day, I decided that I would beat her with a large sack of character.
Later that day, she exploded into a million pieces.
No, not all nasty and gooey, more like AWESOME exploding effects that lit up the whole bridge we lived under.
I anxiously looked for the potatoes that should have built up in her, to no avail.
And at that moment, I knew I must steal a groundhog...
I arrived at the Wisconsin Groundhog Museum on April 4th, 1254AD.
Unfortunately it wasn't built yet, and not being as awesome as I am now, I had to wait.
Unfortunately, waiting too long caused me horrible gas.
And I passed a whopper of a stink bomb, which melted mine and all other forest critters in the areas fur.
A furless freak, I wandered the lowroads, stalking my prey, which often happened to be timid cabbage plants.
Life was about the hunt, and solely about the hunt.
I one day found a wandering tooth salesman by the name of Urrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.
Urrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr told me of a magical amulet of AWESOME.
He told me where it was, and handed me a knife.
Then he turned around and led the way.
I tried unsuccessfully to stab him in the back three times, then hit him in the head with the handle.
I arrived in rural Sweden to find the amulet.
And I did, on the ground.
So I picked it up, but suddenly remembered Urrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr's warning.
You must hold it tightly, and never let it go, for to do so would lose not only your AWESOME...
But also your very LIFE. (Which is also spelled in caps)
So, I ate it.
And so now, for the first time in my life, I reveal my one true weakness...
I can't poo. :'[
OrgasMike Community Member 
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