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My mind is running all over the place. Chicken or egg: My mind runs because I procrastinate or I procrastinate because my mind runs...

Either way I have a paper I should start writing.

But then there is Wikipedia and its infinite knowledge. Its really kinda magical if you think about it. How much knowledge I have at my disposal that people 20 years ago couldn't imagine. And so I absorb it.

It makes me want to do so much! I read about movies today. Ones I remember from 'the past.' I really want to make one.

But then it is weird. I'm reading my art history book. And I get to thinking about..the past. How much of what we do it based on it? Consciously? Thats what the Mannerists did. And even I as an individual have an interest in the past and have a 'bad' feeling that given infinite creative freedom I would be just like these classicists and study the ways of the past and try to assimilate it into a 'new' composition. And then be criticized for doing so as the people in my art book have and have to wait for about 500 years after my death for some scholar so say my methodical research and imitation is artistic flattery.

But even still I don't know. When I look at what inspires me its...things. Things other people can know. Wikipedia lets them know. But why me? Why do I find it interesting? Why do I feel like I 'need' to arrange my interests and thoughts in some unique way. Why do I feel like I CAN? Thats the big issue. And thus my previous post about what I'm doing with my life.

But I think I can. I read today about all these famous people with big educations. Maybe I can be one of them. I don't care about fame. Its just that fame is symptomatic of my artistic interests. I want to do it all and I feel like I can. That sounds boyish. And maybe it will bite me one day. But I know there are people who say 'don't give up on your dream'...so I'm not.

I like being a dreamer. But I need to be a DOER too. And I'm just worried about when I can DO.

I just need some time to myself. Maybe after once I'm done with my undergraduate, Japan or America, I'll take time to myself and try to do...me. Write. Think. Read. Repeat. I don't know what I'm capable of and it scares.