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I dont understand why but i have been feeling depressed recently. I mean i have no reason to but its just...well i dont know how to explain it.
I recently told some of my close friends that Im a self-multilator meaning i inflict harm on myself for specific reasons. When I told them I started crying cause I havent told anyone(except my bf) about this feeling of addiction to pain.

I have been like this since the beggining of middle school because my self-esteem and the pressure of school started kicking in. So far in my life up til then i was called pretty and intelligent. But then entering middle school I felt like i was getting left behind, and the boys passed around horrible nicknames and insult my apperance.

Thus my torment began.

Just like anyone would suspect, i started off cutting. it was a day after my mother was giving me the daily"You are making me look back" lecture. I locked myself in the bathroom crying, and then I found a pair of manicure scissors and started slicing my arms. This continued from 6th grade to 8th and as the cutting continued, i when to scratching myself with my mainly long jagged nails. I also went to pinching. When 8th grade passed through, some new close friends found out and helped me stop. I have been on and off of cutting for 3 years now. Between the end of 8th grade and the middle of 9th grade I became Bulemic to ease the addiction but some that ended.

Then for awhile everything just stopped and my depression started to dim away. Then high school and my mother's perfectonist vengance hit again and so I went into a deeper depression. I felt like I could tell anyone and even when I talked to her bf I only tell him the bare minimum. I started cutting my legs and btting my arms to ease the pain. I still do it up to this day.

I dont do it for means to kill myself, I just do it because I feel the need to punish myself for things I belive I cause. I didnt know i t would become an addiction, I just found it as a means to escape from it all.

Im sorry I have worried people about this, but i promise i will get help