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I cant take this...I now have to hole's in my heart. Both are constantly opening and closing. God, I cant take this anymore. I thought one hole was bad...but two? I cant handle that...Well I think we all know one reason why I'm in pain, but not the second reason. I'm not sure if you even really care, but I have to get this out somewhere...and well that somewhere just happens to be here.
Well, I have this one friend...not going to say any names for two reasons. Don't want anyone to get hurt, and it would hurt to much to even think of their name. This is going to be hard to write but I have to. So I apologize in advanced if I have a lot of spelling errors because I probably wont be able to see the screen in front of me. I'll be crying to much to see anything really...anyways, I have this one friend and we've been best friends since the 6th grade. We automatically hit off as friends and then soon after that we were close enough to be sisters.
Everything was going fine. We spent everyday with each other, we laughed, we could talk whenever wherever for whatever reason, and she never judged me. That meant a lot to me...and I thought it meant a lot to her, but...apparently not. Lately she's been slipping away. It's like I'm screaming for her to stay, begging her, but all she does is laugh at me. She doesn't understand anymore. She doesn't get how much pain I'm in and how she's only making it worse. In math I broke down crying. I fell to the floor holding my chest afraid that my heart would break apart if I didn't. Basically I stayed like that the whole period. No one would touch me or even talk to me. Not even the teacher. I don't know if they were too afraid of just in shock. I'm kinda known as the shy, silent girl that never talks or lets her emotions show, so that was a big thing for me to do.
Anyways, that friend is almost completely gone...and once she's gone...I cant think about that. It's too painful. It seems like we've done everything together these past two years, we told each other everything, and now I'm lucky if I get a hello out of that friend. It's just so painful. I thought we promised to always be there for each other, to always understand...but I guess that was all a lie. I bought into someone's lies again. I dont know why I even bother trusting people anymore. All they ever do is hurt me time after time. It's getting to me and I dont want that to happen because once people start getting to me it's the end of my sane and happy life...if I ever had one that is...I guess it's time to show what's really going on inside of me. To show how I really am. I cant keep this all inside, keep myself a secret, while trying to keep all this pain inside. It's just not going to work that way...I guess today's the end of a fraud...
So, now that I've almost lost my best friend completely what's the point in keeping the rest of them? I doubt they'll understand. They'll just think I've lost it or something. They wont even try to help me, try to save me. They've always watched by, never helped me or said anything to comfort me when I was in pain (or at least showing it) So you know what? I dont give a s**t about them anymore! They dont care about me I dont care about them...that's just the way it ******** goes in life. And you know what? I may be wrong, but does it really seem like I care anymore? Hell no! I cant even put on a fake smile anymore. The pain's just too much for me to handle anymore. I cant hide who I really am, what I'm really feeling...not anymore.
I cant even stay together for him. I cant even do it for him...this isn't fair for him. He deserves so much better then the likes of me...oh so much better. Why cant he just see that? Then he'd leave me like everyone else and I could just die. Dying would be better then living this life...but I cant give just yet. I have to keep going for him. If it's only him I live this damned life for then so be it. I live this damned life for him and only him then. No one else cares, no one else matters, no one else loves me, no one else knows me anymore, so hell why not live my life? He's the only person who care, who matters, who loves me, and who knows me anymore. He's my life...and when he leaves, well then...that's the end for me. I dont have a reason to live without him, nothing at all. No one will miss me because no one else cares. No one will probably even remember me...I cant write anymore, sorry. I'm crying to hard. I can barely breathe, move, and I cant see the screen anymore. So I'm outta here. byez.
 miroku fan 101 · Wed Sep 03, 2008 @ 09:13pm · 0 Comments |
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