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Never knew how much pain could really hurt and consume your life. That and loneliness..and may I say my mind isn't functioning right either. Nothing seems to be working right at the moment. There's a hole that will never be filled...it will forever be an empty hole. Unless he comes back, which he wont *sigh* maybe i should explain but i'm not sure if i'm in the mood. well, s**t, here goes nothing.
I've lost...5 people this week? Yeah, about 5. Some of them dead some of them might as well be dead..they're all dead to me really. I have so many funerals to go to, so many things I have to write for all of them too...I'll be one busy beaver..oh joy!Writing about the dead, my favorite things to do! not..well anyways could be worse i suppose. i am supposed to look at things with a bright point of view but that's hard in this dim light that life's giving me right now
on the other hand he might as well be dead too. no, if he was dead i would be too. no point in living without him...no point what so ever. he was and will always be my life. he may not want me, love me, or care for me but i will always want, love and care for him...i suppose i should move on or at least try but what's the point? i can love no other but him. he is the only one for me. he's my angel; my soul mate; my missing piece. without him there's no me, no me what so ever...
i guess i brought this upon myself. i knew i shouldn't have let him in, that he would just be like everyone before but no! i had to go ahead and trust him...well actually he was nothing like the others. i would be lying if i said that. he was SO different from the others that i actually ended up loving him and now look at me...a complete hopeless mess. i gave him everything and he took it without giving anything in return. for a second i almost thought he loved me back. oh what a foolish thing to think!
he was so different from the others. he had everything plotted out, beginning to end...first we'd be friends, the i'd trust him, then he'd tell me his "feelings" then eventually i would return these feelings and then i would give him love and everything else i had to offer. of course he just took it, steal and run...that was his plan. also he wasn't like the rest of them because he hurt me the worst. i was so close to him that i really thought...no i cant say it...i'm not going to cry...
or maybe he did love me and my mind's just playing a sick sick game on me...but how likely is that? not very much at all. i keep on waiting for the phone to call, to hear his voice...but no matter how long i wait, i know he's never going to call, that i'll never hear his voice again. it's rather depressing but i knew it would happen one day or anther. know what am i to do? i cant trust anyone, it would hurt too much, but i cant handle this pain by myself...or maybe i can. i'll just suck it up and get over myself cause other people have it so much worse then me and they dont complain half as much
i feel like giving up...i really do. and i'm on the brink of it really. i'm not sure why i stay here anymore there's nothing to stay for. he was my reason to live and well...now he's gone...my heart ripped to pieces, my mind left in complete confusion and i'm tared apart slowly and painfully until one day they'll be nothing left to hope for at all...that's when i'll go. i already stayed when i said i would go if someone else died...and damn did a lot of people die. so if one more thing happens and i see no more hope left, no more shred of light, and no little string to hold on too I'll go. that's how it's meant to be i suppose...you tell me cause quite frank my friend..i dont know...
 miroku fan 101 · Sat Oct 11, 2008 @ 04:58am · 0 Comments |
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