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Entry thirty-eight: Sublime (Part 2 of 5) |
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This is gonna be a long one.. >.< ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I felt it. That looming, enigmatic darkness hiding behind my shoulder, tapping me every so often then running to confine itself in a corner of my mind. I didn't want to become part of the darkness. But ever so slowly, it came to me and devoured my soul in one day. I realized that I had been consumed by the emptiness. That day when mom left I had died. I had no one, no one. I was trapped within my own body, struggling to get out of the cage of blackness. It wasn't just a wish, or a goal, or a dream, it was an absolute need. I needed a light to shine through.
And so autumn came. I'd sit there on the cool middays, staring out at the seemingly endless sky listen to the birds twittering about, bickering over this that and the other thing and pay no attention whatsoever to my teachers. I'd be scolded often, but I already knew all the material. I'd get A's on all the tests, hand in every homework assignment, do well with every project- but nothing was right in my world. Soon the dark, leafy greens turned to bright crimsons, dull browns, majestic yellows and erotic oranges, brilliantly finding their way to the ground one way or another. I sat in the long burnt grass from summer's rays, allotting the time needed for the colours to take over my body, soul, and spirit, trying to be free from the burden what my mother left on me. I thought she cared. I was wrong, just like I was with dad.
I remember when he left. It was an autumn, just like this one, a few years back. 'Twas a year of innocence and love, slowly deferred by what happened that day. I saw it coming- I didn't know it at first, but I knew it was there. Dad was a great guy, had a respect for this earth unlike any other, and supposedly loved his family to no end. He and mom had an argument that day, what about, I don't know. I wasn't there. But what I did see was dad drive off- the entirety of his ownership towed behind him. Except his guitar. I tried to teach myself on it, but then a string broke, and mom sold it. Sold the only thing I had left of my father. To this day, I still don't know what that argument was about. All I know is that dad left, giving no hints as to where he was going, leaving no trace as to where he's been. I haven't heard anything since the struggle of his beat-up Mustang engine acted up, soaring into the distance into the fall of the leaves and disappearing over the horizon.
Today is the day I promised myself I'd find them, find my parents. But then it occurred to me. If they never cared about me, why should I care about them? I care, she giggled and looked up at me. What a beautiful lie. It was only to keep me happy. Not like I was in the first place. Before dad left, I lived in a world where everything was normal. I had normal friends, a normal family, a normal life. Then the argument happened, all my friends distanced themselves away from me, and I distanced myself from my mom. I kept quiet of how I felt, doing what I was told. What was expected of me. And then she left, too. Just what the hell do they expect a 16 year old girl to do on her own?!
Even I didn't know. I lay there, listening to the wind whistle through the tiny crevices in the grass, hollowing its music out in the branches of trees, wishing to be a bird in that wind. Autumn... It's the season of slow deaths. The year, such as I, was coming to an eventual end. School was a decent distraction from suicide on a Friday night, and I had my cat to take care of it. Maybe, I thought one day, I should let her have kittens. But then I remembered she got fixed. A little company wouldn't hurt, for misery enjoys company. I should have just brought a new kitten home from the shelter... But I saw the students slowly change from bright to dark, light to heavy, clipping themselves onto new friends while I sat, alone. I saw my old friends give me a quick smile in the hallway, but I knew it was fake.
I slowly spiraled lower down into the pit of depression I had dug for myself. Was it my fault that dad left? Was it my distance that made mom leave? I never felt like I could figure it out. Life turned from a gleeful yellow, to an ugly gray, then to a dull black and white. Just when autumn changed itself into winter, I changed to something I didn't want to be. I died that autumn.
And the year died with me.
XxFragmented_RealityxX · Thu Apr 30, 2009 @ 01:20am · 0 Comments |
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