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A New Me I Promise! 7-8-09

Yesterday something has happened, that quite possibly will change my life. I've always thought I was done learning and getting disciplined. But I was wrong. I still have a long way to go. Yesterday I was scrutinized and criticized beyond all measure because of my actions.

It all started when my dad brought us to look at the new house. He put me in charge of video taping the house. So I started video taping for a good forty-five seconds, and then everybody starts yapping at me behind the owners back about how I'm not supposed to be video taping without the owner's permission!!!! And how I shouldn't be acting excited with the camera. The person that affected me the most was my aunty, she's my super cool aunty! And she told me off like im some sort of stranger!!!! Telling me to put the camera away and that I was RUDE! She's my most favorite person in the world!! What the hell?! Everyone put me in charge of this stupid job and now I'm getting yelled at? So I turn off the camera and walk around reflecting, not caring about the house anymore: "was it my fault?" "Am I really rude and unappreciated?" Then when we came home, I yelled at my dad, "DAD! This is so Stupid! Whats the point of video taping if you're all gonna scrutinize me!" Hes all like: "Dont make such a big deal out of it." I really hated it.

That night my aunty leaves solemnly and quietly thinking that I'm mad at her. And my family starts telling me, "See? She thinks your mad at her" And I'm like, "What the hell?! I'm mad at all of you! Yapping at me! As if your my director! That was stupid!" Then my dad goes all out and say, "Well if your in a group and you start yelling! Everyone's going to get affected!!!" So I stood there corrected. This was all my fault. I felt unappreciated, lost, confused, saddened, useless, unworthy, dead, horrible, and most of all REGRETFUL!!!! There was lump of crap in my chest ! And I went out and punished myself by running five miles without a break...I never came home til 9 oclock! I had thoughts about myself cutting at my wrists and stabbing into my hand, or cutting my stomach open and smiling. I even had a thought about writing the word "regret" on the wall with my own blood just to get attention.

That was the worst day of my life I tell you. And I've learned alot! Following here is a list of the changes of my personality that I will hopefully adopt for the rest of my life.

From now on:

1.) I will not speak unless spoken too! I will only speak out If I need help, or if the environment is safe enough to speak seriously.
2.) I will say sorry!!! Every single time I suspect I've hurt someone's feelings!
3.) I will be passive!
4.) I will not be outgoing anymore! Because last time I did that, I got yelled at! I will not start new hobbys or new projects (the ones unrelated to school)
5.) I will not participate in any form of family talk. I will laugh a little, but i will no longer laugh the dorky immature laugh I always did.
6.) I will not do ANYTHING when I enter someone else's house, I will have my hands behind my BACK! And I will remain quiet! I will nod my head to yes or no questions, but I will remain quiet with open-ended questions.
7.) I will be silent and dead far off into the corner so no one will hear me!
8.) I will answer in a dead and serious manner, and if anyone jokes with me, I will walk away
9.) I will NOT GET MAD AT ANYONE! If someone yells at me for something as small as wearing the wrong shirt, I will nod my head....and most importantly....smile, and stop doing what it was that made them mad!
10.) If ever there is something....that will make me regret ANYTHING one more time! I will scream slit my wrists with some sharp object! I tell you!!! One more!!!! So don't make me regret anymore!
11.) If I have offended anyone, I will gladly say sorry and not do that action for the rest of my life, and I will do 100 pushups for each time that I have offended someone.
12.) If there is an occasion where I must buy gifts, I will buy a gift with a passing grade for the person, and I will not participate in the details of the gift! I will give and go. If they ask questions, I will answer them in a straightforward manner, and I will do so honestly.
13.) This final one...will be the most important one: I WILL BE HONEST WITH EVERYONE ABOUT EVERYTHING!!! NUMBERS 1,2,7,11 ARE EXEMPTED BY NUMBER 13. An example. "How about we go to the mall today?" I will respond. "NO...I feel bad for spending your money"

I'm sick and tired of this lifestyle. I'm sick and tired of myself! I'm sick and tired of this personality! So I WILL CHANGE! I will not be who I was, because the last me, sucked eggs! He sucked! And he made everyone's lives miserable! So here you go family...a new me!!! HAHAHA!