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Entry eighty-nine: Dear Heaven, |
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I usually like to think that God is here for me. Yesterday, though, He was nowhere to be found. I knew He was out there SOMEwhere... I just couldn't find Him. My dad...he likes to poke fun at me. Just a little too much fun. My clothes, hairstyle, art, poetry- *cringes* he just has to make fun of everything I do. Dad has yet to tell me I've done something right in my life. I wondered if God was really looking out for me yesterday, because I was ready to die in His arms. Dad went way too far with the poking fun thing. He made me cry. I wanted to stay home from the family reunion, how bad it was. He thinks I'm so dramatic, saying that I get this kind of crap all the time from him and school- I'm simply stating the truth. He doesn't KNOW me. At all. What if I told you that I've considered killing myself because I thought no one cared, dad? That's how bad I've been getting it. I've been a puppet of emotions for people's entertainment, and I certainly don't need that from my own father. God, where were You yesterday for me? I searched for You, but I found nothing. I needed You yesterday.. Not more than ever, but I haven't needed You that much in a long time.
I'm scared for a certain friend of mine, God. Will You be there for him on the day of his surgery? I love him, God. In a special way. But will you disappear on him like You did me yesterday? I shouldn't doubt Your power, but You can do whatever You like. You're GOD, after all. I just wish that sometimes You'd be here a little more for us.
I'm not saying that I'm disbelieving in Him. I just felt so alone yesterday, and no one was there to help. God didn't help, I know that for sure, because everything kept getting worse. Maybe this is a sign? Is he letting me go on my own so that I can learn? Lord, I've been learning for a looong time. I've been hurt enough. And I'm tired of it. A little help, please? I've got a prayer song in my heart, and it's for YOU, God. All I ask is for a little guidance.
XxFragmented_RealityxX · Sun Jul 26, 2009 @ 02:13pm · 0 Comments |
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