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I am exhausted.
Not just tired, anyone can do that by staying up too late.
It hurts to move, to be awake, to sleep, to breathe, to exist.
I am passed my limits.
But I keep passing them.
And I don't know how to stop.
How to slow down.
How to take a breath and rest up.
One of these days I'll collapse from this.
I know that.
I need to sleep.
But I keep going anyways.
I am depressed.
Not just sad, mind you, depressed.
There is a difference whether or not you knew that.
A fine line between a feeling and a condition.
It won't go away.
Even if I find a way to be happy.
The black is always there as well under the surface.
It always breaks through.
And then I get swallowed by it.
It demands my blood, my tears, my misery.
And it always gets what it wants.
I am lonely.
There was a time when I never noticed this.
That was back before I was taught how to feel again.
I had shut myself off.
Then he opened a door I'd closed and told me to feel.
Now I can't stop.
And I want someone here with me.
To keep me company.
I want someone to make me feel good things again.
Yet I push people away from me.
Ususally that's for their own good.
I don't want to drag anyone down with me.
I am shaking.
I can't seem to make the trembliong stop today.
My entire body keeps quaking and nothing helps.
Its like a cold that permeates my entire being.
The only thing is, its not cold here at all.
Its warm like the summer outside my window.
But my hands can't stay still.
Typing this is hard when I can't stop the movement.
But I'm trying.
I don't know why though.
Its not like this is going to help.
I am crying.
But I won't tell you that.
If you ask I'll lie.
Texts asking if I'm okay are going to be told yes.
Even if its a no.
I'll say I'm fine.
Haven't you noticed I always do that?
I never tell you something is wrong.
You hate trying to get me to tell you.
So do the others when they care to try and help.
But usually they don't bother.
You just don't get it.
Its not to make you worry.
Its really isn't.
I hate for people to see or hear me cry.
That's why.
I feel weak.
I know I am.
But I want to keep my dignity.
Even if I don't have much.
You know what I want?
Secretly I just want someone to hold me tight.
Someone to stroke my hair the way that calms me.
Talk to me in that soothing voice I remember.
I want them to brush my tears away.
Someone to tell me its going to be alright.
Even if I know its a lie.
I am hopeless.
Its a sad point to get to.
I wouldn't wish this on anyone.
Waking up every single day with no purpose.
No dreams for the future.
Wishes for the best don't exist.
No expectations for a better tommorow.
Just trying to get through today.
But I don't know why.
Without hope what's the point?
I keep asking myself that.
I never have an answer.
I am here.
But I don't want to be.
I want a stable footing.
But I can't find it.
This place is killing me.
I only remain for the one person who needs me.
Does he know that?
He has to know.
Maybe that's why he won't tell me he doesn't need me anymore.
He has to understand.
Otherwise he would tell me to go.
I love him so much.
He loves me too.
But we're not in love.
Its not like that at all.
I hate when people assume that's what we mean.
Why can't you love your friends without dating them?
Well I do, and I am, so there.
I am broken.
Not physically.
Somedays I am.
But mostly this is something else.
Something worse.
There are cracks in my surface I try to hide as best I can.
Can you see them?
Or have I gotten too good at hiding it?
There are scars outside.
But the inside of me is coroding away slowly.
Is it possible that people see that?
No one sees to notice anything.
Or do they act like nothing is wrong when they see?
They just don't care.
Isn't that sad?
I am the black bitterfly.
I am the nightmare.
I am the corpse under the bed.
I am the memory nagging at the back of your mind.
I am the invisible.
I am the goner.
I am the ending.
 YukiRiiku18 · Sun Jul 26, 2009 @ 05:54pm · 1 Comments |
