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Why did I begin this journal? I know that I posted my stories, but that's the whole issue. Why did I post them? neutral maybe I really was that alone in my life. Or maybe I just wanted to touch someone's life. That's why I began getting my bachelor's in education after all. Or maybe I just knew that one day I would lose it all in a single heartbeat. My holocaust. Its just been so hard to bear without joy, and now I see why. I was never meant to be. I was always desperate to be shattered and they were desperate to throw the hammer down, because this is not the way life is. i wasn't meant to be the way I am, and so I'm happy to take my death with a sense of reluctant honor.

One day I think I may actually have a family to see grow up. I think that I will be old and decrepit. I think that one day very soon I will be forced awake by the painful kiss. Just as this dream was beginning to seem like home, I think that one day very soon I will need to be awake and well to save myself from life.

She came along and somehow everything else is falling out everyday. My disease and my cure. Greed and sloth, and the one who'd lips are there... Or visa versa if it were. I don't know.

I have lived for so long by my own mind and now she is here and I am totally lost as for what to do. Just. Please. Let the pain stop when we are together in the other's arms. No more running. And no more having to fight for what I fear. I want to die with her in my arms and my children all around my bed. Please. Even BioShock has that ending where the planes all seem to land in the west while the east coast sinks into ashes and dust. Please, before I live again. I love you and I couldn't change that fact for anything or everything I've had or thought to even want. I love you. And I am dead, so take me now and hold me until it passes back to null so I may rise again. Two years. Two years and this pain can finally end.

Two years and I'll finally be awake, holding love or steel as it slickens blood deep from with my hollow heart.