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Entry one-4.9: Rantrantrant |
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*Please excuse the extreme emo-ness, but I think with the events that have happened, I deserve to be depressed*
I'm noticing a trend here. Everyone around me seems to like overachieving themselves. Yes, I'm supposedly a "great" poet/artist/whatever, when really, where is that gonna get me in life? I'm going to end up dying in poverty, meanwhile all my friends are going to end up making millions and making me feel like a total loser.
Not like I already am, right?
Heh. And I'm being left out of things.. AGAIN. What am I, invisible? Oh wait. That's right, I am. Because obviously nobody wants to recognize my existence. Oh, they'll recognize it. But it's not willing.
Such as: An old "lover" only using me to get to my "best friend (at the time)." Or, when I'm not invited to birthday parties. I know what you're thinking: Sam. They're birthday parties, you're not five years old. Yeah, well. I haven't been invited to one in, what, five, maybe six years? I'm thankful that at least ONE person cared enough to invite me to their birthday party this past summer (Kelcie heart ). And then of course Erika likes me enough to invite me to every weird outing we decide to do. But what about the rest of them?
Eammon and Sarah have left me out completely from their shenanigans. They keep saying, "Have you met this person? They're a friend of (soandso), I think you'd really like them." "You should have been there! Why didn't you come?"
Uh. BECAUSE NOBODY TELLS ME ANYTHING ANYMORE.
I'm tired of it.
And then this.
Chelsea dies.
I almost killed myself that night. Too much alcohol and too many painkillers. I was ready to fill a room with gas and light a match, if it didn't risk killing my family. And you know, I'm thinking. If I'm going to be the underachiever for the rest of my life in a world where no one cares about me as to not tell me anything anymore, then why bother? Were the years I had the best I'll ever have? Heh, when I think about it, death doesn't seem like that bad of an option.
There are a lot of things that I like and love in this world. I just don't like myself. I HATE myself, and it's the one thing I hate in this world. I'm not worth the effort, obviously. But I want to keep living for everything else that does seem worth the effort.
My life? Pah. I never had one.
 XxFragmented_RealityxX · Thu Nov 05, 2009 @ 09:21pm · 0 Comments |
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